The Center of Everything
by Apie1988
Summary: I sitting right in front of our guest bedroom door. You ever heard of the saying that you dont know what you lost until you lose it? I heard people say it but I always saw it as a myth just as the stories they told us when we were little. Tonight as I stare at the guest bedroom door I know i lost my husband and and there is nothing I can do about it because that is wat I wanted.
1. Chapter 1

_I just want to say that this is my very first fanfic. I am sorry if there is a problem with the language. i accept help lol. Just remember that this fanfic will end with everlark._

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><p>My name is katniss Everdeen-Mellark, Im 28 years old, I am married to Peeta Mellark CEO of Mellarks corporation, I am CEO of Everdeen marketing. I live in manhattan<p>

I sitting right in front of our guest bedroom door. I know im still alive but I am very sure that im not breathing. You ever heard of the saying that you dont know what you lose until you lost it? I heard people say it but I always saw it as a myth just as the stories they told us when we were little. Tonight as I stare at the guest bedroom door I know i lost my husband and there is nothing I can do about it because that is wat I wanted for a year and a half. Now that I got what I wanted i am not so sure that is what I really wanted.

I am still not breathing how I am suppose to. I never knew that in this moment I will have this much pain and this is just the start of it. But this is what I deserve because I am a horrible person. I have been having a affair with a other man for a year and half. But before I go to that story I think we have to back up and start at the beginning.


	2. Chapter 2

Peeta and I met in kindergarten. We were best friends from the first day. He describe this first day the best. I was wearing a red dress. I had 2 braids instead of one. I sang the valley song in front of everybody in the class. But one detail that nobody know till this day peeta included is that I can remember him just like he remember me. He wore this blue shirt that made his eyes magical and the funniest flip flops. We made friends about a drawing about a dandelion. We had to draw a flower and he helped me. At kindergarten he was all ready an artist. His father always said peeta have a eye for beauty, He always saw the best in everything.

The older we got the better we understood each other, till me and prim caught my father with his pants down with my mothers best friend in my parents bedroom. Mother packed my fathers stuff or let me rather rephrase that she through his stuff out the bedroom window in a garbage bag. Till today I never heard anything from him. I was at the time 13 and prim was 7. I never were the same person after that day. Peeta helped me through a lot at that stage of my life he never abandoned me. I promised myself that never in my life will I give somebody that power over my to brake me, because my mother broke down after that time. She kept staring at the wall, She were never emotionally around anymore. She was a shell, She lost her job, Not that she cared because I think she sat staring at that wall and waiting for her day she was going to die.

So with my mother not taking care of us, I had to step up and be the parent or else I was going to lose prim. I could not stand the thought so I start hunting for food to live on. Peeta brought every second day a loaf of bread. I know he got a hand full of beatings for bread he brought for my family so that we dont have to die from starvation. He stayed by my side through everything. When I became moody he would just give me some space. He was the best friend ever. He was still my dandelion. My little bit of hope that some day everything is going to be okay. So when we turned 18 we got married. It was not a very big ceremony, all the important people was there like prim and peeta father. His mother was not very happy about me taking her baby boy, and well my mother was there just staring at the white wall so that does not actually count.

I was happy or so I thought, I never wanted to get married and have children so that in the middle of my life my children will find my husband with his pants down with somebody else. So to come back to the point I was as happy as anybody can be that got married because that was what they thought was what everybody expected from them and it was the right thing to do. I mean peeta is a great man. He is sweet, will never harm a fly. He is a great listener, always happy and friendly. So I thought why not. If I have to do this why not him, he will never harm me.

We both went to university. I got a degree in marketing and peeta got a degree in business management. We both worked and studied hard so we could become the best in the business and have successful we started having more time on our hands after we had a decent work that paid for more than we actually knew what to do with, That is were the problems started. When we got more time on our hands we got more time to have our hands down in each others pants and the romantic husband that I have is that it gave him more time to begin to think of having a family. That was my big problem. I promised that im not going to marry (that I failed) but having a family? No fucking way over my dead body am I going to agree with this.

We had a fight but that was not the house rattler. We both apologised very quickly but if I think about it now we never really discussed that argument. Our first big mistake is that We just moved on with our lives as if nothing happened. We got both very busy with our work and we focused on that. We never focused on our marriage or let me rephrase that peeta still had a focus on our marriage but me? Not really I had my 100% focus on my work and making a success of my career. So when Peeta got the chance to bought the shares from the CEO of the corporation he worked at and he gave me money to start my own company so Mellarks Corporation and Everdeen Marketing can work together just like always and become the best in the business.

So at 26, Katniss Everdeen-Mellark and Peeta Mellark was the power couple of the big apple. All the magazines gave the people the impression that we never had any short comings but never have they thought that the broken person that I was never could give my husband everything he deserved. Our marriage was broken and it was my fault. I was never honest. I made people happy with what they wanted and never really said how I felt. I was to scared that they leave me just like everybody in my life have except peeta but if I told him the truth he would leave just like the rest. I never can give him that power. If somebody was doing the leaving part it was me not the other way around, Nobody will ever leave me again. That is how the big house rattler of a argument began.

I did not want children and peeta could not find a reason why not. We had everything, Money, Houses, Cars, Everything you can think of our household had it. Well except children. That was the first time I really got an idea what peeta was like when he got mad. Well lets just say that the fight was the beginning of everything. We got in a screaming match, it turned to the point where we told each other what we sacrifice for each other, it turned to a point that we were hurting each other intentionally, and the last turning point was that I told peeta that I never wanted to marry him in the first place. That was the final blow and I knew it. He stared at me long and hard as if he was searching for a ounce of truth at my statement. I could see the pain in his eyes and I could not stand it anymore. So I ran just like always.

I ended up in a bar just a few blocks from our apartment. I never were a big drinker so during my second drink my head started to feel as if im in a daze. When I finished my second beer I was ready to leave until a handsome man plopped himself down next to me and offer to buy my next drink. That was my Biggest mistake. Why I could not just turn around walk away I will never know.


	3. Chapter 3

I know poor peeta. But just remember she is going to get her turn. It is still going to get worse but it will get better i promise. Just remember that she still just telling you the story how she got to the point were she sit in front of the guest bedroom door.

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><p>So I plopped myself back on my bar stool and waited for my next drink. When the time rolled in that I was on my fourth drink me and the handsome man had a very nice conversation going. I found out that his name was Gale hawthorne, He was a baseball player for the new york yankees. I do not know why he fascinated me as much as he did but two thing I did know is that he was easy to talk to and he was very different from my husband. While I was sitting there talking to somebody else was so great. I cant think when last I talk this much to peeta? In high school? I cant talk to prim because she loves peeta to much, she will just think that I am going insane. I never had close friends, the friends that I had was friends that was friends with peeta.<p>

So here I sit in a local bar with a baseball player that I could talk to and not judge me. Gale knew who I was but never really said anything. He knew I was married because I complained about peeta. What peeta expected from me that I was not ready to give him. I went on and on about why cant he just fuck me without the expectation of a family? I just wanted a sexual release that will relax my body. Before I knew what was really happening Gale dragged me to the restroom and stripped me from my jeans and panties and bended me over the toilet. It was fast and hard. By this time the image of peeta was in my mind the whole time. The more a saw peeta face the angrier I got and the harder I searched for my release. When my body exploded and Gale blown his load on my butt, my whole body went numb. After I shooed him out the restroom I sat on the toilet and the realization of what I have just done kicked in. I cant explain how I felt but my only defence was that it was peeta's fault he drove me to this. I knew that was not the truth but that was the only thing that did not let me feel worse that I already felt.

After I cleaned up I headed back to the bar for a drink. I needed one and very badly. When I got to the bar Gale sat there and waited for me. I told him that I made a mistake and if he can just keep it to himself I will appreciate it very much. I asked him if we can try just being friends and he was happy about it. So we exchange phone numbers. He left a while later and I just kept on sitting and drinking myself into oblivion to try and deal with the guilt. I cant remember how I went home. What I do remember is waking up in our bedroom still half dressed. It looks like I had trouble undressing myself last night and just gave up. Second thing that went through my mind was what I did to our marriage. I turned very slowly to see if peeta was still in bed. To my relief he already went to work. First thing I had to do was take a shower because I could still smell sex, alcohol and Gale on my skin. As much as I try convincing myself that I did nothing wrong and I must stop feeling guilty because if peeta just left me alone about the whole family thing this would not have happened.

In the shower I tried scrubbing myself clean, what I did realize in the shower was that no matter how raw I scrub my skin my conscience will never come clean. After I cleaned all the evidence from the night before off my skin, I went to the kitchen for some food for my alcohol filled belly. That was when I realized that for the first time in peeta whole life that he did not bake something that morning. That was my first big hint that there was something wrong, so I moped the whole day in our apartment. That was the first day in my whole life that I did not show up for work. At 10 o clock that night peeta was still not home that was again a first for peeta. He always made sure that he was before me at our home so when I arrived at home the food was on the stove and almost done. After I tried keeping my anxiety to the minimum that maybe it was not something as bad as my mind was telling me. All that trying was not good enough because he never came home that night and the next night. What a coincidence that his phone was off.

After I almost had a full blown anxiety attack I called his PA. She was very confused as why his wife did not know that he was in LA for 8 days and then had to fly to london for 3 days. Come to think of it when she mentioned it that he told me a few day prior that he was going on a business trip. After I talked to Clove I first felt relieved because now I can be myself for a few days before he returns from his business trip but that relieved feeling did not stay very long in my body. I could not sleep, I barely ate, the meetings that was scheduled for weeks now was the only thing that could help me get up from our bed and into our shower. The following 4 days was going on as if the sun never wanted to go down, it was very long days. On the morning of the 7 of the 8 day trip to LA the papers was full of photos of my husband at a gala in LA. I went online and just want to see how my husband is doing, I mean come on he did not talk to me so why cant I just check on the internet for photos of him without feeling as if I am stalking him.

I tried reading his feelings like we use to when we were children but that did not work that got me start thinking when did peeta and I got this disconnected? I was still trying very hard to judge how he felt behind that big fat grin of his. I was so busy trying to analyzing his behavior that I almost bypass the important fact that peeta has n grin on his face! A fucking grin! That is when I see to whom he is grinning like a fucking idiot! The bastard, he always saved that grin for me. As I check all the photos of him and he is not just grinning to her. His hand is on the small of her back, on her arm, on her hip and at this moment I feel like my blood is boiling because here I am moping because I made a mistake and he is in LA with fucking Glimmer and parading her around like a trophy. That was it for my feeling guilty. Now I was extremely angry at myself for thinking that he cares and I was extremely angry at him because he let me felt as if I am the disappointment because I don't want to have a family.

As the days moved on and peeta was in England I kept going online to see if there is any new news and photos. On the second day that peeta was in England I knew there was going to be a ball that night so I am guaranteed photos of the ball. Thinking about it now this sounded very pathetic Katniss Everdeen-Mellark stalking her husband on the internet. But as pathetic as it sounded what happened at that ball broke my heart, photos of peeta and Glimmer waltz, introduce her to friends and colleagues, he looked so happy and carefree. Maybe I was holding him back from the life he could have had with Glimmer or any other woman that gives him the freedom. Maybe it is time to move on, I was the one that made our wedding vows a joke to laugh at. I know I have to let him go and that is what I planned on doing when he arrived home.

Exactly two days later he arrived home and just like I promised I was waiting for him on our living room couch. The moment he walked into the door, I felt how all my emotions explode, every last one of them. The emotion that kept making appearances was anger and the anger never went away. So before he could even see where I was coming from I was all up in his face screaming at him for every last thing he let me experience with the lovely business trip he had to take. I accused him of fucking Glimmer, he just laughed in my face and told me that he will never ruin his marriage like that. He began screaming back at me at why can't I see how happy his is with me. Why can't I get it in my head that he will never abandon me or our marriage. Everything he said made me feel worst because that is what I did to our marriage. I became my father and I promised I would not let that happen and yet it did. I had to set my husband free from the path of destruction I was on. He never deserved this, he deserved a loving wife and children. So I took the responsibility to make him a free man.

After we both screamed that our voices was raw and we were breathing heavy. I looked at him one last time and told him I want a divorce. He stared at me long and hard, you could see the tears in his eyes.


	4. Chapter 4

this is the huge breaking point. after this i think katniss could not get worse. But now she has to fight for her husband back. I just want to say that after this chapter the updates are going to be little slow because i have to learn to write in the present

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><p>After we both screamed that our voices was raw and we were breathing heavy. I looked at him one last time and told him I want a divorce. He stared at me long and hard, you could see the tears in his eyes.<p>

What happened next I never expected. When the tears started silently running down his cheeks I just could not take it that I am the reason that my husband is broken. Before he could properly wipe his tears from his cheeks I was there holding him, telling him that I never meant for any of this, that everything was a mistake. I never could tell him about Gale maybe because I was a selfish person I truly don't know but one thing is that I knew I could not let him leave. I could not let him go, so I kept my big secret to myself that was not the best plan but that was my only plan. He told me we have to start working on our marriage and with that I agreed because I needed to be better for him and for my self.

Something was still wrong with my husband because he never acted the same after that night. Nether one of us try to deepen our little kisses. We were back to dancing around the line of never really going somewhere but moving backwards at the same time. Peeta started working longer and longer hours and when he was at home he was quieter that usual. I tried talking more to him but the more I looked at him the more I wanted to crawl in hole of guilt and shame. When prim visited for the holidays, me and peeta had to act normal, that is where you could really see how backwards me and peeta moved. Gale kept sending me messages asking when we could meet up but I ignored every single one of them.

I did try ignoring it till me and peeta had a fight about something very small, something about a pen in his study. That night I stormed out of our apartment again and found myself at the very same bar and before I could really think what I am doing I gave gale a call and asked to meet me at the bar. While I waited for gale to arrive I ordered a drink by the time that he arrived I was just finishing my first. Before I could actually greet him he dragged me to the restroom again and did the everything just like last time when he finished he told me not to let him wait that long again. After I cleaned myself up I went back to my bar stool and drank myself till I could not see straight. The next morning I made a firm decision that this is not the tipe of marriage I want anymore. Our marriage is just not going to make it, I gave me and peeta more that 5 months and our marriage was still just as shitty.

So I went that day to our attorney, Haymitch, to file for a divorce, I thought that if I just don't tell peeta about it and he received the divorce papers he has to sign it, Right? This time there is not going to be any puppy eyes to make me lose my shit and tell him I never meant it. Well that was my plan and just like haymitch told me that is why nobody lets me make the plans. He refused to file the divorce and told me that if I get somebody else to do it and he was going to be peeta attorney and made sure I have nothing left after this divorce. Haymitch was always like a father to me and I loved him but in this moment I did not like him at all. He told me that I could live a hundred life times and never deserve peeta. I told him that is why I want to divorce so peeta can be free from me. Lets just say that reasoning was the reason haymitch broke his tumbler and called my husband to come to his office immediately.

When peeta arrived you could see it in his face that he knew there was something going on. Haymitch talked to peeta alone in the reception while I waited in the office. At this moment my anxiety was through the roof and I felt as if I was going to have a anxiety attack. So by the time peeta and haymitch returned peeta face was red of anger and haymitch just as angry. When peeta looked at me his nostrils flared and that meant his was beyond angry, the only words that peeta spoke was that he would not accept the file of the divorce. Haymitch suggested me and peeta have to go see professional help for our marriage. After haymitch made his opinion peeta stormed out of his office, I just sat there till I knew it was safe to go, I did not have the energy to fight with peeta because I think divorce is better. I was a coward and I will admit it. People always think if you have all the money and everything in the world that you are strong and very powerful I must say that is the most bullshit I ever heard because I have everything I could asked for and I run away from my husband because I cant tell him the truth and That has nothing to do with being strong and powerful.

After the incident in haymitch office we just went on with our lives just moved on as if we never had problems. Peeta and I start seeing dr aurelius for marriage counselling after the second week of everybody looking in my direction for the problem I started screaming at both of them and stormed out of the appointment. I never went back but I knew that peeta still went. Dr aurelius told peeta that maybe we must start by something small like having dinner together and that we did start doing together again. At first it was awkward and very quiet but after two weeks peeta started talking about his work and how the business is just doing well and how the new branches is doing. If I must say so myself that it was nice to listen to him talking again.

Everything went really well, that is until Glimmer came to New York for a month to work with peeta on a project. I knew she was after my husband because she told me so after the third day in New York. I don't know how she knew that we had problems but she knew and she was going to do everything in her power to take peeta from me. The more I warned peeta the more he told me to stop being so jealous, we had fight after fight about fucking Glimmer. Till I could not take it anymore and talk to an other attorney. He was not listening to me and that was what the counseller told him that we have to listen to each other and the more I tried warning peeta that she told me that she is going to take him away the more frustrated he became with me and ignored my pleas.

It took few days to file for the divorce and be delivered to him. When the divorce papers was delivered to him it was not the best time or place. He was busy in a board meeting with very high profile people and fucking Glimmer. That night was like a war zone in our apartment, we broke half of our kitchen dinnerware. The next morning before I could mumble a hi he told me that he would not accept my divorce settlement. That gave me some sort of relief because I knew he still did not give up on our marriage. That was a good sign right? So I just moved forward and kept my opinion of Glimmer to myself. I tried to keep my jealousy in order so that Glimmer could not see that she has the upper hand in my marriage. I went to everything peeta had to go to so he had to stand by me and not parade Glimmer around like the fake trophy she is.

Everything went really well, till tonight at the ball where all the high profile people had to go to like movie stars, famous sport players, all the very rich and famous people. Cinna our designer made our outfits match. Peeta looked very handsome and if I am very honest with myself is that when I looked at him in that navy tux the sexy lingerie cinna gave me was soiled with my arousal. At one point peeta was so busy with business talk that I told him that I will go to the bar for refreshments at first he did not like the idea very much but I told him that he has to finish with the business talk and that I will see him in the next five minutes. While I was standing by the bar waiting for the waiter to bring our refreshments, I felt somebody put there hands on my waist I instantly tensed and turned so that who ever had there hands on my waist had to drop them.

Lets just say if I did not have cinna's sexy lingerie on I would have shitted in my underwear because what the fuck is gale doing here? It is like my secret and my real life colliding with each other. I asked him what he is doing here and he told me that he was invited because he was sportsman of the year. Like an idiot I am, why did I not remember that gale was famous and was very likely be at this ball. I told him that I was with my husband here and he told me that he knew because he has been watching me for the while now and when I came to the bar he just could not wait anymore. So by the time my refreshments arrived I told gale I had to go to my husband. He made a mocking face of looking hurt and just laughed and told me that he understands and will see me around.

I made a quick scan of where my husband can be and when I found him, I darted to him with the refreshments in hand. When I approached him i first saw that he is in a very animated conversation with famous people and Glimmer hanging of his arm. In a matter of seconds she made my blood boil I wanted to kill her. When she saw me approach she made a quick excuse to leave and just before she left she grab my husband ass and gave it a squeeze and stormed off. By the why peeta eyes darted quickly to mine and his face red as a tomato I knew that what I saw was correctly.

As if it did not made matters worse is that when I saw Gale walking to us I automaticly tensed and peeta through me a puzzled glaze. At that moment I learned that Gale was invited to the ball mainly to talk to my husband about he standed there with a grin like a Cheshire cat and every few seconds looked my way till my husband cleared his throat thats when Gale will return his attention back to peeta. Peeta was getting annoyed, I could tell by the way he stuffed his hands in his pockets every few minutes or the way he let his hand run through his hair. After what felt like the longest conversation in my whole life me and peeta was requested to talk to a other CEO, that it self was like the angels heard my pleas.

After the thing with Glimmer and Gale the atmosfere between me and peeta was dangerous, I think if one of us put a foot wrong the other one would have exploded. By the time the first dance of the ball was called I was very near on the line of being drunk. when the first dance was announce miss fake boobs grabed my husbands arm and dragged him to the dance floor without asking me and peeta just shugged and holding her to him to dance that is when I lost it. I downed my drink and was on a mission to find Gale, in my head there was going alarms off that I am busy making a huge mistake but why could I care? I am just going to do what peeta did and just shug it off! By the time I found gale I literally dragged Gale by the arm to the nearest supply closet.

I don't know if Gale got a kick out of this whole scenario or what but he fucked me like a mad man. He never made the noises he was busy making and the noises that came from me did not sound like me because he was actually busy hurting me. When he finished he came in his handkerchief to not mess on our outfits. I told him he can go I just want to sit for five minutes alone in the closet. By the time he was properly redress he exited the closet and stopped dead in his tracks and muttered loudly the word fuck. i was curious as to what was going on that i peeked my head out of the closet and felt my whole body went ice cold. I could not breath. My husband stood there with a face between shock and disbelieve, I felt all my blood drain from my face. The secret I try to keep buried deep inside of me was out in the open. Before I could react peeta turn to Glimmer and told her that if she ever say or breath one word about it he will make sure that the whole world know all her secrets. You could see that he hurting her with just the few words that he spoke. He turned and stormed off to the exit before I could catch up his was in the car and gone.

After I sucessfully hailed myself a cab I came home because that is all I still had left to go. When I entered the apartment I knew he was here. I searched the whole appartment for him and found him in the guest bedroom with the door shut and a note that say please just leave me alone. So now you know why I am sitting infront of this door and know I lost my husband and there is nothing I could do anymore, because that is what I wanted in the begining and now that Ive got it I don't know if that is what I really wanted.


	5. Chapter 5

This is my first to write like this. Please let me know if it is at least readable and suggestions where i can improve?

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><p>I am suppose to be happy, right? I never really wanted to be married and I never wanted children so why do I feel as if I am back in time where I just walked in on my father? Why does it feel as if my world going to shatter in to a million pieces any second? I fucked up big time, I don't know how I am going to explain myself to peeta. I never wanted to lose my best friend but somewhere in our marriage we lost that part of our friendship. We were just husband and wife, we for go the friendship part. I wish I was as good with words as peeta because I could never really express myself that why I let my actions do the talking. I never hated peeta but the my actions said something else. I have to fix this, I have to explain myself to peeta. I just want him to know the truth, I want to explain to him that I never meant for this to happen. That I know that I fucked up but I want to fix it. I want my best friend back.<p>

I always thought that doors was thin and that they never really gave you all the privacy that you wanted. It covers what happens behind the door but never cover the sound behind the door. But in this moment our guest bedroom door feels like a mountain between me and peeta. A mountain preventing me from talking to peeta. A mountain between me and my future. Wait, what did I just say? Future? I never thought of peeta as my future. I think that was the biggest problem, Peeta always felt to me like a burden because he wanted the things I was to scared to give him. Before I really knew what was happening my body wracked with sobs, putting my hand in front of my mouth to muffle my sobs so peeta do not hear me but i think i am failing miserably. I scoot to the door on my ass on the ground and place my hand on the door when another sob wrack my body. I can't keep it to myself anymore because I know I lost him.

"I fucked up peeta, I fucked up badly and I don't know how to fix it anymore" I breath out before another sob wracks my body.

"I can't lose you, I would not lose you, I will fix this" I mutter my promise to the door before I stand up and going to our bedroom and closing the door behind me and dressing for bed.

I am crying while I lying in our bed, This bed feel so big without peeta in it. Not once in this year and a half that me and peeta had serious problems did we not sleep in the same bed except for the business trips he had to make without me. If I think about it we never were to mad to not sleep in the same bed in our whole marriage, even after I asked him for the divorce, we slept in the same bed and in the middle of the night he will swing his arm around my waist to hold my back against his chest. I will give anything for him to hold me now and just tell me that everything is going to be okay like he always did when the thing happen with my father.

i must have been very exhausted because i must have been fallen asleep while i was racking my brain about how i am going to explain to peeta what is going on. i don't want to make excuses i want to tell him the truth for once and nothing but the truth. After swinging my legs off the bed and standing in our joint bathroom do i assess how i look, my eyes is all puffy from all the crying, my hair looks like a rats nest, my throat is sore from all the sobbing. After relieving my bladder do i have enough courage to exit our bedroom.

As I exited the bedroom I see that the guest bedroom door is open so peeta is likely to be in the kitchen. As I track down the hall as quiet as I can be, when I enter the kitchen peeta stands with his back to me and is busy making himself his morning coffee. Without his knowledge that i am behind him i can take in his form. His hair is sticking in every direction probably from all the times he runs his hands through his hair and his shoulders are slumped forward from probably not getting too much sleep. I thought to make my presence known.

"Morning" I mutter to him with voice still heavy from sleep and raw of emotion. I can see that he tenses instantly and square his shoulders but he never utters a word. When I got the idea that this is how he was going to be by not going to talk to me. I try talking to him instead.

I try to say something but every time I open my mouth to say something I close it just as fast because I don't know how to begin.

"Peeta I am sorry" after what felt like a year this is what I blurt out.

He just turned around and glared at me. He opened and closed his mouth as if he wanted to say something an finally snorted a sarcastic laugh and slammed his mug on the granite of the kitchen counter. I thought now his is going to make his feelings known about how he feels but yet again he proves me wrong. He turns so fast around I don't know how he does not get whiplash from it and storms right past me out of the kitchen to the couch to get his tie and suit jacket and storms out the front door before i can say anything else,

Well that did not go as i expected and i had instantly tears in my eyes because no matter what i am going to tell him he is going to think that i am lying and I know that it is my fault to begin with. I turned back to our bedroom while I started crying all over again. Before I climbed back in bed I first got one of peeta's tshirt to clutch while I stared at the wall. During the day I could hear my phone ringing in my purse somewhere in the apartment but I just did not have the energy to talk to somebody at this moment. Just before peeta had to come home a moved myself from our bedroom to the couch and kept staring at the door willing him to walk through it but did not happen until a few hours later.

I was so busy staring at the door that when he started unlocking the door I jumped at the sound. I could hear him curse on the other side of the door a few times before he stumbled through the door almost knocking off a vase with flowers in it on the table by the door. I cant remember the last time I saw him as drunk as tonight maybe in college at a frat party? I could smell the alcohol all the way to the couch I was sitting on so that was the explanation why he was late. I knew better than to try and talk to him while he was drunk. After he successful shrugged of his shoes not before he lost his balance and hitting his head against the side table. He jumped up with a triumphant smile on his face for straightening himself up till his eyes landed on me and his smile dropped just as fast. He turned to the hall way while muttering under his breath something about fucking unbelievable woman and entered our bedroom but before I could become happy about him being back in our bedroom he exited our bedroom with fresh clothes for tomorrow and slamming the guest room door shut again. If I had any tears left I might have been back to crying my eyes out but I did not have any more tears left so with a heavy sigh I removed myself from the couch and headed to our bedroom for yet another night with no sleep. I must have fallen asleep sometime during the night because when I wake I knew I had to stand up because today I had meetings I could not bypass.

Reluctantly I climbed out of the bed and in to the shower to was off the past 2 days. After I scrubbed myself clean and dressed for the day I leave our bedroom and can hear that peeta is still in the apartment. So when I entered the kitchen I can see that he was starting to make coffee. I got myself a mug out of the cupboard and waited for the kettle to boil. I tensed when I heard his footsteps coming down the hall. When he entered the kitchen I could hear he stopped dead in tracks at the sight of me. I could feel him stare a hole in the back of my head but I just continue making hot chocolate for me. When he started moving again to continue to make coffee for him I thought it is the best time to say something.

"Peeta we have to talk" I blurted out before my mind could process what my mouth was saying.

"I have to get to work" he muttered while slamming his mug in the sink with all his coffee still in it and stormed out the house again.

With a sigh I put my full cup also in the sink and retrieve my purse and cell before exiting the apartment on my way to work. When I arrived at work and when Effie stormed directly my way I knew I was in big shit.

"This is the perfect time to decide to turn up for work, don't you think?" the sarcasm is heavy in her tone.

"Please effie I don't have the energy for this" I muttered with a sigh

"You don't have the energy for this right now? Do you know how I saved your ass yesterday because Monster Coin wants to cancel the contract because you did not show up? But you don't have the energy for this right now? Please enlighten me as to why you would not have the energy?" she huffed out

"It is personal if you don't mind" I muttered under my breath

"Did you mama not teach you to at least call if you could not make it? It is called manners you know" She huffed out again.

"No my mama did not teach me that because she was to busy fucking staring at the wall!" at the last words my voice cracked just before I burst out crying and storm to my office.

Behind me I can hear her breath out a shit before I slam my office door shut. After I awhile I got myself under control Effie walked in my office with a big file under her arm. She rounded my office table very carefully like she was scared I am going to run away from her like a wild animal. She crushed me in a bear hug and gave me an apology for being so hard on me. We started working on all the marketing proposals for the meetings I had with new clients and with the meeting I had with a Peeta's board and a new client.

The work was going smoothly till I had to be at the meeting with Peeta's board and the new client. I didn't know how to act with Peeta because we never talked about how we are going to be in the public. By the time the meeting had to take place I was a nervous wreck. I thought I will just play it cool, while Effie will propose our marketing proposal I will just act normal and just keep my eyes on her to not put extra tension between me and Peeta. That is easier said than done.

When Effie and me entered the board room for the meeting I could feel Peeta's eyes on me but I never made eye contact. After taking my seat and making for the first time with everybody in the board room eye contact after entering. It felt as if somebody knocked the wind straight out of my lungs when I see gale sitting right in front of me. So he is the new client nobody thought to mention to me. I could feel Peeta's _eyes burning_ into _my body_, I could feel the power of _his stare while his eyes traveled between me and Gale, I had my eyes trained on my lap and Gale had a grin through the whole presentation. The moment Effie finish the last powerpoint I muttered I quick excuses me and stormed out the board room._

_I locked myself in the restroom stall to just collect myself again. I felt like forever before I could leave the restroom. I quickly sent Effie a text that I did not feel well and that I am going home. She must push all the meetings to the next day. I really didn't want to go to our apartment so I went to the only places that I felt whole and not like a failure. I walked around the park for a hour before I got a seat on one of the park benches. I had a good view of people where I was seated. It calmed me down to watch how the other people played with there children or there animals. I just wanted to clear my head before I went back to the apartment so by the time I felt calm again I made my way to our apartment. When I arrived at the apartment it was well after the sunset. I unlocked the front door with a sigh and quietly closing the door behind me and shrug my shoes off next to the door and made my way to the hallway to our bedroom to just climb in the shower and in the bed. That was the plan because I didn't have an appetite for any food, so when I pass the living room a voice startled me from behind._

_"__Where have you been?" I whirled around to see where the voice was coming from. Peeta was sitting at the dinning room table with papers and his phone in front of him._

_"__I was at the park" My answer can more out like a small squeak._

_"__I am going to ask you a question and can you please answer me honestly?" Peeta asked_

_"__Y-y-yes" I stuttered_

_"__Do you think you can manage that Katniss?" He was glaring my way_

_"__I will be -" He cuts me off before I could say another word_

_"__For how long did you fuck him behind my back? He spat out_

_"__It is not what you think peeta, it -" He cuts me off yet again, standing up so quickly that the chair that he sat on fall backwards. He was about to lose it, I could tell by the expression on his face. _

_"__Katniss! I asked when did it start?" He hissed through his teeth while he griped the edges of the table till his knuckles turned milky white._

_"__Peeta I will tell you just please calm -" He cuts me off yet again_

_"__Katniss dont you fucking tell me to calm down, I asked when did you start fucking him?" he screamed at me._

_"__Peeta the first time was just after we had our big fight a year and a half back just before I asked you for a divorce, the second time was 5 months after that when we again had a fight about the pen in your office and I went to Haymitch to file for a divorce and the last time you knew about was the night at the ball" I said everything so fast that I didn't know if he heard me until he lost it and swept everything off the table including the papers and the fase. My first sob wracked through me by the time the vase shattered on the floor. _

_The pain and anger was visible on his face, he was breathing so hard I could almost feel his breath in my face. He was on the line of losing it._


	6. Chapter 6

_The pain and anger was visible on his face, he was breathing so hard I could almost feel his breath in my face. He was on the line of losing it._

"I can't fucking believe it, I can't fucking believe it" He kept muttering softly to him self. Words keep floating out of his mouth that sounded like 'it's not real' but to be honest i can't really say that is exactly what he's saying because my heart is pounding in ears and I feel so numb and hollow inside. I keep arguing with myself because this was what i wanted and now that it's happening i don't want it anymore, i feel the need to fix my marriage. Not just my marriage but everything with the man I love. I have to fix this with peeta, he has to understand that I never hated him. I keep arguing with myself to tell him that I want to fix this between us, but the other part of me told myself that I hurt peeta to much that he will never be willing to fix this.

The force that he snapped his head up to glare at me snapped me quickly out of the arguing in my head. He's first words broke my heart, because it wasn't true.

"You! You and that mutt made a fool out of me! Standing at that ball grinning like fucking idiots at each other. For a year and a half you fucked him behind my back and if that is not humiliating enough, he comes to me for help? Was that your inside joke? HAHAHA Great fucking joke" At the end the anger was gone because all his agony was laced in his voice.

With my breath suck right out of my lungs I could not tell him that he was wrong so I just stared at him dumbfounded. I don't know where to begin explaining but before my brain could begin function properly, he cut me off.

"I get it Katniss. I am sorry for not listening to you about not wanting a family. I am sorry that I was not the man or the husband you wanted. I -" he said in the most defeated way possible before i cut him off

"What? How can you say that?" I accused him. I could not believe my ears, just like I thought he is thinking that I never loved him and hated him.

"Say what? That I was never the husband you wanted?" I nod my head "You said 'I never really wanted to marry you in the first place." At this moment it feels as if somebody hit me with a bus. I cant breath..

" I – I – I" trying to form words because he have to understand. I have to explain to him what the truth is.

"You think I forgot? I remember your words Katniss.. It's hard to forget when you wife that you loved from kinder garden tell you that it was a mistake to marry you." He cant be serious?Shit he is so wrong.

"I never – Ahem- I never meant -" I try to stutter out before he cuts me off again.

"You never meant it? Come on Katniss let be honest with each other you always told me that you are not good with words but you can let your actions do the talking. Again your words not mine." He start walking in my direction just when he is close enough I start holding my breath because I don't know what he is going to do. When he walk past me down the hall to the quest bedroom that I feel as if I can start breathing again. Half way down the hall he comes to a halt and slowly turn around while opening and closing his mouth like a fish like he wants to say something but doesn't have the words for it.

"I just want to say I get it Katniss. I never listened to you but I just want to say I heard you loud and clearly. Can you just give me a few days to proses all of this?" He ask so soft and defeated that I barely can nod. "Thanks" after I few seconds I hear the quest room door close with I soft click.

It feels like the flood. I cant stop the tears anymore even if I wanted to.

I cry for my father because why could our family not be enough for him. Why did he have to leave me with the hate for weakness, why did he have to leave me with this feeling towards men that I could not trust them for not fucking around and leave me behind? I cry for my husband that I love and he would not beleave me, not that I blame him. I calm myself down from all the crying to be abile to go to my room to just start crying all over again because the empty space next to me is a reminder of what my life has become off.

The next few days went by with blur, When I wake up Peeta has already left for work and return to home very late when I am already in bed. We don't see each other or speak to each other in this few days that went by. It feels like every day is put on repeat, the same old shit just a different day.

Today I had a meeting with Peeta and Gale again. I was nervous as hell and to make it worst is that Gale will be there.

The time passed so fast while I kept myself busy with upcoming proposals that I had to do for next week that when Effie burst through my door muttering about schedules, schedules and schedules that I realise it was time for the meeting and instantly I have anxiety about the meeting.

Just as we exit the elevator Effie dash off to one of the PA that she wants to confirm a meeting. While she left me to enter the meeting with Peeta and gale alone, I am just about to walk in that I hear that Peeta and gale is in a heated conversation. I don't want to eavesdrop but before I can help my self I stand close to the open door as possible.

"I know you fucked my wife for a year and a half" Peeta say hiss to Gale

"Oh, Did she finally tell you? Did she tell you how hard I made her come? Tell me Peeta old friend how does it feel to know you cant satisfy your wife? Quote 'Why cant he just fuck me without the expectation of having a family'." Gale sneered to Peeta and at that I decide that it is enough because not half of it is true.

"Ahem" I clear my throat as I walk in the board room. You could see the hurt in Peeta face and the pride in Gale as if he won the lottery. I thought it is time to give Gale a little bit of his own medicine.

"Gale just to set the record straight. You never made me come hard it was exactly Peeta that made me came that hard. Do you want to know why? Beside the fact that your equipment don't come close to Peeta's 'Just to let you know' is that while you fucked me, I thought about Peeta the whole damn time." I huffed to Gale. Let's just say if the board room table wasn't there Gale and Peeta jaw would be hitting on the floor.

"I just want to let you guys know that Everdeen marketing is withdrawing from this project. I don't want any part of the project anymore. I will give you all the proposals and documentation for the work we already done. Just take note that I am giving you notice to find somebody else." Before one of them could recover from my out burst I turned and walk out of the board room.

"I am so sorry for being late, but Monster Coin called for the rescheduling for a meeting" Effie apologize profusely as I walk out of the board room.

"Its fine" I mutter under my breath to her, because I am glad she let me go alone in there else I would have never said the things I have said.

"Is there something wrong?" I shake my head "Why was the meeting so short? I thought there was lots of things to discuss today?" Before she could ask more question I answered her to the questions she already asked and make sure by the tone my voice I don't want to discuss it and it is final.

"Because I gave them notice that Everdeen marketing is withdrawing from the project." On Effie face you could all the question that was on her mind but she knew better than to ask me what is going on.

As the days go by I get to see Peeta more every day, but it is not like always it's more like being hostile friendly with each other and he keeps looking weird at me as if he is searching for something. I don't understand but I keep telling myself that my brain is just playing tricks with me and I keep brushing it off as nothing.

Today I have a few meetings but the most important meeting was with Coin. The day passes by with a blur and the meeting went very good with Coin. That improved my sour depressed mood of the last month with 100% even Effie was sing hallelujah in the hallways of the office.

While I sit in my comfy office chair with a big smile on my face and staring out of the huge window that look out on the city, I think to myself for the first time in this month that maybe everything is going to be okay. For the first time since the ball I want to call Prim and tell her the good news.

I have hardly time to put the phone down after I tell Prim about the good news and her telling me that she is coming down next week for a week to visit before Effie burst in my office with a bottle of champagne. Before I argue with her that I still have other appointment I decide it is just better to accept and enjoy myself. A call came in from reception that there is a guy that wants to give me something but has to give it to me personally. So I told reception to send the guy in.

I chuck the last of my champagne when a guy I never saw before walk into my office, he stop just at the edge of my desk.

"Are you Mrs Everdeen-Mellark?" The guy ask in a awe voice.

"Yes, with what can I help you with?" I am so busy feeling awkward with this guy ogling me out of my pencil skirt that I don't notice the big envelope he has in his hands.

"This guy must be a idiot" the guy mutters under his breath

"excuse me what did you just say? I ask annoyed to the guy because I don't have a idea what he is rambling about, I am just about to ask him for the last time what he wants.

"Look I -" He cuts me off

"I said that this guy must be a idiot because you just got served" He said in a voice that you can tell he is very confused.

"I am what?" I gasped out

"You go served, Now I know this is shitty but I am going to need to take a picture of you, Sorry" The guy apologize before taking a picture and walking out of my office.

I grabbed the envelope so fast that it looks like somebody that lived without water for a few days. Tear the envelope and start reading the papers. I can't breath. Before I really know what I am doing or where I am going I enter Haymitch office. I storm through his door with the receptionist on my ass.

"You can't just go in like this" The receptionist cried behind me.

"It's okay I will handle her" Haymitch mutter to her and with a huff she shut the door behind her, while I glare at him.

"Let's see you finally received the papers?" Haymitch ask

"A Divorce? He wants a divorce? Really? And let me guess you just gave it to him?" I say through gritted teeth.

"What? After he told me what you have done, I have to stop him from wanting to divorce you? You must be shitting me and correct me if I am wrong but you wanted a divorce 3 times and now that you get it you want to throw a tantrum? It does not work like that Katniss. Be happy for what you get out of the divorce because if it wasn't for the boy I would have let you walked out of this divorce naked because you can live a hundred life times and never deserve that boy." Haymitch say in a very cold and distant voice. His words stung me to my very core, It hurts more than I am willing to admit.

"Thanks Haymitch and get one thing straight I won't sign this fucking divorce papers" I gritted through my teeth and turn around and storm out of his office. I formulate a plan of action that tonight I will get Peeta when he come home from work but at this moment I need a very stiff drink. So my next stop is a bar. When I arrive at the bar I choose a booth away from everything and everyone because if I start crying nobody will notice it.

I had a few drinks until I felt a little bit drunk to have the courage to face home and my mountain of problems. The walk from the bar to the apartment sobered me up so when I entered the apartment my buzz for the alcohol was gone and I was back at being depressed. I took a seat at the dinner table and keep staring at the divorce papers till Peeta arrived home. By the time Peeta arrived at the apartment I am so worked up I felt as if I am about to explode with anger. He was just barely past the dinning room that I thought I made my presence known.

"I received them today" I am trying to stay calm but you could hear my anger in my voice. He stop dead in his tracks in the hall before turning around to face me. The relation was written all over his face.


	7. Chapter 7

_Sorry for the late update. Was really busy and with this week all the new promotion of mockingjay i didn't have to much time to finish writing. I tried getting people to help me write this story better but no one responded so i am really sorry if the story is shit but there is nothing i can do about it. Please review i want to know what you guys think? I want to know what you guys think of a chapter in Peeta's Pov? I will try it but cant promise anything. Just another note Everlark are going to go through rough waters. But it will get better promise._

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><p><em>"I received them today" I am trying to stay calm but you could hear my anger in my voice. He stop dead in his tracks in the hall before turning around to face me. The relation was written all over his face. <em>

"Oh, Uhm, Uh-" Clearing his throat while struggling to get a full sentence.

"Now I understand why you keep looking at me strange but I thought it was my mind playing tricks with me. How naïve of me?" I breath out a laugh.

"Why else did you think I kept looking at you?" Peeta snapped back

"What did I think Peeta? What did I Think? Lets see.. Uhmmm.. Maybe that you actually looked at me and sometimes smiled even, I thought that we can save our marriage. That -" I practically yelled back at him before he cuts me of with a snort of laughter.

"Save our marriage? What marriage Katniss? The one you fucked somebody behind my back? The one you made our vows laughable ?" He screams at me.

"I said I made a mistake!" I am on my feet in a flash and busy glaring at Peeta with tears in my eyes.

He holds my heated glaze for a moment before he drop the glaze and sigh defeatedly.

"Come on Katniss, You don't have to lie to me anymore, You and I know that you cant make the same mistake three times. Maybe once but not three times Katniss. You did it for a reason and what ever that reason is hold on to it to make this divorce easier." All the pain is visible on Peeta face and voice.

"Peeta please baby listen to me, I don't want a divorce, I made a mistake and I Love Y-" I plead to Peeta while the tears are running down my cheeks and I crumble to the floor.

"Katniss baby look at me" He kneels down next to me on the floor and try to coat me to stop crying

"Katniss I know you are scared" He takes a shaky breath before he continues "I am scared too. Its big changes but you are the strongest person I know. If there is one person that can survive this it is you." He is trying to be strong for me but he is just as broken as I am.

"Peeta I -" I try to explain through sobs that rack my body

"Katniss it is your chance to be happy. Think about it, we never really wanted the same things in life. I wanted to a family and you don't want children. It is your chance to have the life you always wanted, I am not going to breath down your neck anymore about a family. You can enjoy your life without anymore expectations from me. It's not going to be very easy but everything happens for a reason, right?" I wonder if he is trying to convince himself more that he is trying to convince me that this is for the best. At this very moment the words that Peeta said hurt me more than the time my father screwed up our little family. I cant explain to Peeta how wrong he is because my whole world is crashing down before me and I am crying like there is no tomorrow.

After what felt like hours I calm down enough to realize that I am alone between the hall and the dining room on the floor. I stand up from the floor and move to my room to try and get a few hours of sleep before I have to go to work tomorrow.

After the night Peeta and I had the fight about the divorce papers everything changed a little bit. We do not fight anymore, we are more like puppies that got kicked. The pain is visible on our faces. I decided that I am going to fight for my husband and my marriage and that I am going to try and save what is still left.

With everything that is going on between me and Peeta I forgot to tell him that Prim is coming this weekend and staying for the week. At least today I have a meeting with Peeta and a new company, so I can give him a heads up about Prim arriving tomorrow.

With Effie breathing down my neck the whole morning about the final marketing agreements with Coin Company I arrive a few minutes late for the meeting with Peeta and the new Company. I can hear the comfortable conversation of Peeta and the CEO of the new Company but the moment Peeta realised my presents he automatically stiffen in his seat. I hurts a lot to think this is what became of us.

"Hello my name is Katniss and I am from Everdeen Marketing, It is a pleasure to meet you" I greet politely to the woman and sticking out my hand over the board room table for a formal hand shake.

"Hello I am Cressida, I am the CEO of Create a Dream and the pleasure is all mine" Cressida is a tall slim woman, with blond hair that is shaved on the one side of her head. She has a very beautiful face and have a british accent. She is very friendly and talk active. She is the perfect definition of every mans wet dream.

After the introduction is made and have a better idea of what every company have to offer. The meeting official start about what Cressida future of her company is and in which direction she wants to head and what she will require from us and where the three companies can all benefit from the arrangement.

The meeting is the same as all the others that we do but one thing that keeps giving me a bad feeling is the way she keeps looking at Peeta. It feel as if I am not even in the meeting because from the start of the meeting except the introduction she did not once make eye contact with me.

This is just pissing me off in a way I could not explain even if I wanted to. I am jealous not that I will admit it out load but I am because she and Peeta will make the perfect couple. Both are blond with blue eyes, both have fare skin. Just with the thought my insides twits very violently and I have a strong desire to vomit.

I bolt out of my seat out of the board room muttering something about "i need to go to the bathroom" before Peeta could properly finish the meeting. I just cant breath in that board room anymore, It took all myself control to not lunge myself over the table to claw her pretty blue eyes out of her head. I think what pisses me off more is that while she openly stared at him and flirted with him in front of me he did not once let her believe that he was not interested in her.

I stand in the bathroom till I am not angry in a sense that I will kill her at any moment. I hope by the time I calmed down that the meeting will be over and she left later I decide it is time to exit the bathroom just to regret my decision yet again. The odds are clearly not in my favor today.

As I exit the bathroom I see that she stand very close to Peeta talking to him softly with her hand wrapped around his forearm with a big grin on her face. I decide fast to just walk past them and grab my papers in the office and leave without talking to one of them because at this moment I will strangle both of them.

The moment I step out of the building on the side walk do I feel that I can take a normal breath. I am dizzy and my eyes are burning with tears. Effie is out of the company car so fast you would think that it was on fire. Clearly she didn't expect me to be done this early so before she could get all her ducks in a row and tell me where I have to be next I cut her off first.

"Clove mentioned she wants to see you about details of a important meeting. I will see you later" The tone in my voice is firm enough for her to know that there is no argument about it. After I slide in my seat at the back Thom my driver breaks the silence in the car.

"So it's to the park then?"His gentle voice ask.

"Is it that obvious?" I try to make a joke to lighten the mood but my joke come out a little flat.

The whole drive to the park I struggle to get my emotions under control, every now and again a tear roll down my cheeks. Thom keeps throwing me concerned glazes through the rear view mirror and I fully understand his concern because I am struggling to keep everything together.

"I will call you if I need a ride home Thom but at this moment I just feel that a long walk home will do me good. Thanks for the ride." I tell Thom as I exit the car when we arrive at the park.

"Be safe" He calls out of his window.

I stroll down the path till I reach a bench. After I sit down I take in my surroundings. There is lots of children playing in the park around me. The longer I sit on this bench the more I keep staring at woman with a little chubby blonde boy. He runs around his mother in circles with high pitched shrieks of laughter. The mother acts as if the little boy is to fast for her to catch. Before I really realise it I have a first real smile on my face, I think if I have to be honest then this will be the first real smile I have on my face for what feels like years.

I keep staring at the interacting between the Mother with her son and for the first time in my life give my mind the permission to think about if me and Peeta had children how would they look like? Will they have his or my personality? I really hope our children will have as much of Peeta as possible. Will our children have blonde or brown curls? Who's eyes will they have?

Well thinking about it now will not help, Peeta wants to have a divorce and the last thing that he wants now is children that we can drag through this with us. Sometimes I wonder if Peeta is right about if there is really still something that we can safe from everything I have done. I know I have done the unthinkable and I hurt both of us but if there is one thing I would change about what I have done is that I would have walked out of that bar when I wanted to. I regret it every single day for almost 2 years but that would not change anything there is no do overs in life.

It is way past dark when start walking home. I decided to walk the long way home to calm my anxiety for what waits at home. The problem is that I dont really know if I want to see Peeta after Cressida flirted openly with him and he enjoyed it. The moment I turn to unlock the front door my heart sinks to my stomach. Walking in the front door I think maybe I can just grab some clothes and sleep in a other hotel tonight but as mother nature remind me that I screwed up something seems strange when I am fully in our apartment. There is big bag of cloths just as you enter the living room. I can hear my heart beating in my ears, Is he really leaving? I cant believe this, I mean yes he wants a divorce but never did I really think it is possible that we are going to come to this. I instantly tear up.

"Katniss?" I must have gasp loudly that Peeta check if it is me that just entered the apartment. I cant seam to find my voice so I make my way to the kitchen to face the music of what is to come. Just as I enter the kitchen I can believe what I am seeing. I am stumped to silence. After I entered the apartment I was so focused on the bag full of clothes that I did not even hear that Peeta had a conversation with a woman. I must have taken to long too answer before they snap me out of my shock.

"Katniss?" The blond stand up from the bar stool.

I immediately burst into tears because today was just to much and I could not control my emotions anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

_Sorry for the wait of this chapter. I hope you like it. Please review and tell me what you think. The plan of the story is to have 2 - 3 Chapters before they reach rock bottom. So please stay with me everlark is almost done hurting each other._

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><p>"P-p-prim?" I croak out<p>

I know this whole situation with Peeta and the divorce is very stressful but at this moment my wall of emotions breaks and I can't stop crying.

"Katniss? Come on, stop crying I am right here" Prim keeps coating me to stop crying. Half of her words I don't hear because I'm crying full blast and I can't stop.

"Whats wrong with her?" I hear Prim asking Peeta under her breath. Peeta must have shrugged off her question because he didn't answer it.

I start to feel that my ass hurts from sitting on the floor being cradled by Prim. With all the crying I feel a lot lighter from all my emotions. I know Prim's going to ask whats wrong but I still don't have a answer for her.

"I missed you so much little duck and I am very happy that you are here" I tell Prim while I detangle my limbs with her's.

"Come on Katniss, Peeta made us some Hot Chocolate, Your favourite" I try to smile at the way Prim try to make me smile but with the mention of Peeta it feels like a stab through my heart all over again. Just as Prim grabs the mugs with Hot Chocolate Peeta enters the kitchen.

"Go and enjoy your Hot Chocolate my favourite ladies while I make us something to eat" Peeta forces out politely enough for Prim to think nothing strange is going on but I can hear how forced it sounds like.

Me and Prim is sitting on the couch talking about everything about her. Every time she tries to change the conversation about me I ask her something about the program she is busy with. She keeps on telling me about the great opportunities she gets and how much she's learning.

"Do you want some juice before you start telling me about all the people you meet there?" I ask her.

"Yes please. Oeeee, I can't wait to tell you about some people I met" Just before I enter the kitchen I look over my shoulder to catch her throwing me a wink. I know what that means she met a guy and that means that she wants to have a girly talk. I can't really give her advise because my own marriage is falling apart but that she can't know about.

As I enter the kitchen I can feel that tension is very heavy. Peeta square his shoulders and straighten his spine when I make my presence known. I clear my throat while I put the mugs in the sink and walk past Peeta to get glasses. I must probably thank him for the Hot Chocolate that he made for me and Prim but I don't know how I must start so I thought that maybe I must just keep it simple because Peeta is already not in a great mood by the look of the way he is chopping the vegetables.

"Thank you for the Hot Chocolate" I mutter quietly maybe to quietly I think at first because I don't think that Peeta heard it. Until Peeta turns around with a glare in his eyes that is better explained that if looks could kill I would be a breathless body on our kitchen floor.

"You could at least gave me a warning that she's coming to visit" Peeta silently hiss it through his teeth. I know if Prim wasn't on our couch he would have screamed at me but what he add to his sentence is like a stab to the heart. "I should have known better to think that you will ever tell me something without me finding out first"

"Maybe if you looked closely you would have seen that I was just as surprised as you that she is here" I force the words out with just as much venom.

"Oh so you want to say that she never called to say she was coming? If I can recall correctly she told me that she told you over the phone. We lost everything already Katniss, why keep on lying?" At this moment you can see how agitated Peeta is but he's holding back because Prim's here.

"She called me to tell me she was coming but she would have arrived tomorrow, I was planning on telling you this afternoon but if you stopped eye fucking that blond whore of an CEO you would have seen that I wanted to talk to you and get one thing straight I didn't lie to you because I didn't know Prim was going to arrive today" I silently scream at him pointing my finger in his chest. I turn around grabbing the glasses of juice and storm out of the kitchen.

"I almost thought you had to grow the tree from where that orange juice came from" Just what I need to get a smile on my face is Prim witty comment because I took longer than she expected.

"Here is your orange juice little duck" I hand over her glass and falling back on my end of the couch.

"Sooooooooo.. I met this guy. His name is Rory, he is 21, I know he is 2 years younger than me but he is so great. He is sweet, Charming, He laughs at my stupid jokes. I will understand if you don't like him but I like him a lot and he's not a skirt chaser, I Promise. Will you just meet him before you scare him away please?" Prim's plead hits me hard for a few reasons.

I wonder how horrible I was for prim to plead to me not to scare her boyfriend of before I get to know him. I start to realize that my selfish behaviour didn't just stop by my husband, it affected Prim as well. I really have to stop being this person because I just bring pain with the way I am.

"He sounds perfect Prim. I really trust your judgement and I can't wait to meet him. So tell me more about Rory? What is he studying?" I trying to show Prim that I am happy for her and a great way to divert her conversation as far as possible from me.

Prim is talking a mile a minute about Rory until Peeta ask for me and Prim to set the dinner table for dinner. She just keeps talking while we set the table and only shut up when we sit on table for dinner. She asks Peeta about everything going on with the business and for the first time in this month I hear what everything going on with the business and with what he is busy during the day. After dinner I volunteer to wash the dishes, I know we have a diss washer but I need something to keep my mind busy for a while. Peeta volunteer to take Prim to her room so she can settle in but until now I never thought about where Prim is going to sleep because the room Peeta sleeps in is the room that Prim usually sleeps in.

The idea of me and Peeta in one bedroom makes my anxiety a lot worse. I'm glad Peeta volunteered to take Prim to her room because he will come up with a better story about why she has to sleep in the other guestroom than I would have.

After I finished washing the dishes I slowly make my way to our room. After making a detour at Prim's room to say goodnight I have to go to bed because there is no other excuses I can come up with to delay to go to our room. As I enter the room slowly and as quietly as possible I see Peeta is popped on his side of the bed on his pillows and reading something. I make my way to the closet to get some night cloths and dart for the bathroom to escape the tension.

I take my time in the shower and let the warm water wash over my body to calm me down. After I climb out of the shower I go through my night routine and get ready for bed. I enter the bedroom Peeta is still reading what ever he is reading as I approach the bed he turns on his side away from me. I try very hard to mask my pain but I think every emotion is written across my face at this moment. I get in bed turn my back to Peeta and try to sleep but sleep never comes. With Peeta so close to me I can't seem to relax. It feels as if there is a electric current vibrating between my and Peeta's body.

I wonder if this vibration was always between me and Peeta, or did I just not pay attention to it? I must have fallen a sleep in the wee hours of the night because I'm struggling to wake up. First thing that I notice is that Peeta is already out of the room probably left for work already. Slowly I start getting ready for work and get my day started. I decided to take Prim with me to work and keep her busy because if I don't keep her busy she's going to want to talk about my life and I am not ready for that yet.

Every night Peeta arrives late at home and by late I mean late as in I am in bed already when he arrives. My mind is keep running to where he stays this late at night but never voice my concern because that will end in a fight that I don't want to explain to Prim. So every night I pretend to sleep when he arrives to avoid the confrontation. Everything went well till Prim decided to tell Peeta that we are going to come by lunch and just spent time together. Peeta tried to tell Prim it's not necessary but she is so determined to spent time with him that she did not take no for an answer.

Lunch was awful to say the least. The tension was so heavy that you could hear a needle drop. Peeta was frustrated beyond a point of return about what I don't know. That is till I thought maybe if we get Prim to talk about her boyfriend that she will leave Peeta be. She showed me a picture of Rory and I just don't understand why Rory remind me of somebody but I can't pin point it. That is till Prim showed Peeta the picture of Rory. I don't know how to describe it but Peeta on the verge of a rage fit. All the anger and every emotion he experienced at that moment was written all over his face.

"Rory huh? If I may ask isn't his brother a famous baseball player?" Peeta tried to be as politely as possible and I just could not understand why he is so angry all of a sudden.

"Yes. How did you know? He's name is Gale" As quickly the confusion came it disappeared, it felt as if somebody slapped me with ice in the face. Now I understand why he looks familiar. How can that be possible? What is the chances for Prim to date the guy brother I cheated on?

"I have to go. I'm going to be late for a meeting" Before I could get my brain to work properly Peeta stormed out of his office and slammed the door behind him.

"What's got in to him?" Prim ask very startled

"He's just under a lot of stress and probably forgot he has a meeting" I try to shrug it off as nothing but I can see that I did not convince Prim but before she could ask questions I tell her that maybe we have to finish lunch at the apartment. Every time I see Prim wants to bring up the subject I start keeping her busy with something else.

Peeta stumbled in the apartment a lot earlier than usual. It took me by surprise that he arrived home this early and he was drunk. He's clothes was very disheaved, the alcohol you could smell a mile away and there was a other smell that I just could not place. It's sweet and smell nothing like Peeta. Prim gave me a big side eye glaze like asking me 'What the hell is going on with him'.

"Hey Primmy. Sorry about this afternoon" He gives Prim a big bear hug. As his eye catch site of me over Prim's shoulder he's expression changes completely. The hate in his eyes was all directed towards me.

"ahem. Um Peeta is that perfume on you?" Prim clear her throat before squeaking out her question. The best expression to describe Prim at this moment is that she looks exactly like a deer in headlight.

"Perfume? I don't know, Maybe?" Peeta shrug off her question

"Don't worry Prim. Peeta just went to a bar" I try to redirect the conversation from not going where I find it's heading but Prim is not buying it this time.

"Peeta whats going on?" Prim ask in a voice sounding like a little child.

"Prim don't w-" I try for Prim to see in my expression to just drop the subject and I will try to explain later to her what really is going on but Peeta cuts me off very quickly. He is laughing so hard he swipes the tears from corner of his eyes.

"You want to tell me, ahem, Your telling me that your sister did not tell you the truth yet?" At the end of the sentence you can hear all the anger in his voice.

"What truth Peeta?" She is stunned.

"Peeta honey, Please don't. Pee-"I make my way fast forwards him to try and stop him from telling Prim the truth.

"DON'T FUCKING HONEY ME!" I try to grab his hand for him to understand my plead but he just push me away from him.

"Tell your sister what you have done. Tell her Katniss" There is no sign of anger in his voice, his voice crack at the end.

"Please Peeta. I said I am sorry. I am sorry Prim. I regret it more than any-" I try to plead through my tears.

"Katniss please tell me the truth?" Prim cut's me off

"Prim I am so sor-" I sob. She has to understand that I never meant to hurt anybody.

"What the fuck did you do Katniss?" She screams at me. Before I could try and say something Peeta start talking first.

"Katniss cheated on me with your boyfriend's brother. Remember Gale? Well she fucked him three times. Two times in a bathroom of a bar and once in the closet at the ball while I had to wait for her to finish. She asked three times for an divorce and after I had to wait for her to finish fucking Gale I gave her the divorce that she wanted and now she refuse to sign it. I'm done with her Prim, I tried for 10 years to make her happy and what I got back in return was 'I never wanted to marry you in the first place'. I'm sorry Prim but I can't keep going on like this. I hope you understand" Peeta talks to Prim in the most defeated voice I ever heard.

"I- I- ahem I understand Peeta" Prim clear her throat trying to keep the emotion in her voice under control.

"If you be so kind to excuse me Prim but I want go pack my clothes because I can't stand to live in this house anymore" Peeta tries to steady his voice as much as possible. As Peeta makes his way to the bedroom to pack his clothes, Prim keeps glaring at me while i'm sobbing on the floor.

"I – I -" She cut's herself off "I can't fucking believe this" she mutters under her breath before turning around storming down the hall.

I destroyed everything. I explain this pain I have. I just wish Peeta or Prim can understand me, they use to understand things without me having to explain it. Prim always had to love me because I'm her sister but I could never understand how Peeta could love me like he did but now that he see me for the monster that I am I wish that he can just look at me one more time with all the love he use to have for me.

"I'm sorry Katniss but I think it's just better this way." Peeta appears with his bags and making his way to the front door. My sobs are getting louder the closure Peeta gets to the front door. If he walks out of this house with his clothes I know that I lost him and I'm not going to get him back. I try to get myself under control to ask him to stay but I can't get any word out with all the sobs that rack though my body.

"Peeta! Wait up for me please? Can you please give me a lift to the airport?" Before I could really get it in my head that Peeta is going to leave me for good, Prim storms after him with all her bags. Before Prim exit the apartment she glares back at me like she wants to say something and think better of it and turns around and storms out of the front door and slamming it after her.

I drove away the only two people in my whole life that loves me unconditionally.


	9. Chapter 9

Sorry for the late update. Please review. I hope you like it. We almost on the end of all the hurting. Sorry for any mistakes.

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><p>I can't believe that this is happening to me. I know I deserve this. Haymitch said that I can live a hundred life times and never deserved Peeta I'm starting to believe it. How could I mess everything up this bad?<p>

I curl into a ball on the floor just as they left me a few hours ago. I'm to numb to stand up and do something. I lost them both. I know Peeta is not going to come back, I don't know if I really can make anything better. I feel as if I just keep making everything worse. I know sorry is not going to cut it for what I have done but what does Peeta need from me to realize that I am sorry and that I never meant for this to happen?

When I wake up from a nightmare I gasping for air. After I get all my ducks in a row I realize that I'm in my bed and I have no idea how moved from the floor to the bed. When my breathing start to come back to normal I feel that the black cloud starting to moving over my brain. The best description I have is that it feel as if I'm drowning alive. I'm worthless, I keep disappointing everybody in my life. My husband left me and that is understandable. I always knew that I never deserved him. I waited my whole marriage through to see when he decided that he doesn't want me or this life anymore and I can't blame him. I would also run as far as my two feet can carry me.

I don't know how long I lay in my bed staring at the wall. I make my self so sick that I can't even stomach food and I'm not really hungry. I just want to sleep, I want to escape my reality but I don't know what is worse the nightmares or my reality of my life?

I feel my arm shaking but I can't really be sure. There moves something between me and my spot on the wall I'm staring at. I think somebody is talking to me but I can't make out what they are saying because it sound as if they are talking on the other side of the wall. The shaking on my arm is more urgent now and the sound of the voices is coming closer.

When I come out of my trance I see what blocked my view of the wall. Effie is kneeling before me try to get me out of my trance. I think I see tears in her eyes but I can't be hundred percent sure. Whats wrong that Effie is so upset?

"Hey Katniss, Hey sweety, Come on, Focus on my face, There you go." Effie keep encouraging me to focus on her.

"Hey sweety, How are you feeling?" She asked with a sigh.

"Okay" I croak back at her. My voice sound nothing like me, maybe it's from not using it in awhile.

"What's going on sweety?" She asks in a sweet voice like when you coating a kid to tell you what is going on.

I don't know what to tell her but immediately I'm back in that black hole. My lips start to quiver from all the emotion I try to keep inside. Immediately Effie see that she made a mistake to ask me that question and envelope me in her arms. She rocks me forwards and backwards. Trying to sooth me to stop crying.

"Let me make you some tea" She quickly say after I calm down and sniffle quietly into her shoulder. I let her go to the kitchen to make tea for me. A short while after she returns with a warm mug of tea.

"You are going to feel so much better. When last did you take a bath?" She is trying very hard not to scrub her face up from the smell I presume.

"I don't know?" I answer her with a question mark on my face.

"When last can you remember dear? I asked Peeta where you were because I could not get a hold of you and he said that he saw you three days ago?" I know she doesn't know about the whole Peeta and me thing but it doesn't hurt less when she say his name.

"Effie I think I could remember last before he and my sister left" I try to keep my emotions under control but I don't know if I succeed.

"When last did you eat my dear? Don't tell me it was three days ago?" The horror you could see across her face. I know the answer that I have for her is nothing she wants to hear but I can't lie to her.

"No it was four days ago."She release a sharp gasp "Effie I don't feel like eating. I promise I am fine. When I think about food I feel sick to my stomach" I try to reassure her that I'm fine but I don't know if it's working because she glaring at me.

"Okay, But you are going to have a healthy dinner tonight and that I'm going to make sure off" But before I could try to come up with a argument she sends me a look that I know there is no discussion about it.

"Okay missy. Get that stink bum of yours in that shower and put some cloths on that smell like washing powder and not a bum from the street" Gone is the sweet Effie that was busy sooth me to stop crying.

I swing my legs over the edge of the bed to climb out of my bed but my limbs feel like a baby deer's legs. My legs is stiff and wobbly from curled in a ball the whole time. I make my way to the bathroom to wash my dirty body. As I enter the bathroom I turn the dial of the shower to start warming the water. I quickly undress myself from the smelling cloths and climb into the shower were the warm water run from my head to my toes.

I can't disagree because if I have to say it myself is that this feels incredible good. The warm water relax my muscles from all the tension of the last couple of days. I scrub my body clean, once I'm clean I climb out of the shower and rap my body with one of the white fluffy towels. In front of the dresser I don't sent to much time to decide what I'm going to chose. I'm going for comfortable, so a t-shirt and black leggings have to do for now with my slippers.

As I exit the bedroom I can hear that Effie is busy in the kitchen with pots and pans. I wonder what qualify for healthy meal. I enter the kitchen to see that my suspicion is correct and that she is indeed busy with making a meal. When I try to offer help she wave me off with a polite but your not allowed to touch anything look.

After the dinner Effie said that maybe it's best if I get some rest because tomorrow is very busy. So when she left I climb back in bed and try to sleep but I could not let myself sleep. My mind raced in ten thousand different directions. Eventually I find sleep but not to be accompanied with a nightmare.

After the night Effie made me food I tried to keep to myself but not to a point to fall back into that black hole of depression. I throw myself into my work and started working longer hours. I missed Peeta a lot. Prim is still not talking to me. If I'm completely honest I'm miserable and there is no point in denying it.

The only time I see Peeta is when we have a meeting with companies. Peeta just talks to me when it's necessary in the meetings. I'm so close to him but yet I feel so far away from him. I get excited to see him but every time I see him my heart just keeps hurting. I was never one of those girls that liked being touchy and feely but don't get me wrong I was on a stage that my hormones work just perfectly fine. If I think back about it I gave Peeta a run for his money on one stage. We did it everywhere. There wasn't a surface we did not have a go on it.

Every time I see Peeta I just want to feel him against me, even if he just hold my hand. I wish I just can to touch him but from the looks I'm getting I know that it's a silly wish because it's never going to come true. I decide maybe I have to let him remember why he fall in love with me in the first place. I tried I really did but the only problem is that I didn't know why he fell in love with me in the first place. The more I try the more Peeta withdraw from me. This is going on for four months and if I'm completely honest I start to lose faith that we will ever get together.

I started to go to the pub on my way home. I don't have anything to go home to so why go sober home? I can't stand the silence at home anymore, so now I sit in a noisy pub, drinking enough to know that when I arrive home I won't be bothered by the silence. I would just go home to pass out. How else am I going to get some sleep? Dr Aurelius doesn't like it one bit but what does he expect from me? I'm not going to take the pills that he wants to give me so alcohol works just fine.

So here I sit in the pub after my session with Dr Aurelius drinking my problems away. He suggested that I start to accept that Peeta is not coming back. At first that was not what I wanted to hear but maybe he has a point. I just wish that the Dr Aurelius was wrong but I know somewhere deep inside me that he is right but doesn't hurt any less.

On my fourth bear somebody slide in to the seat next to me. I really don't want anybody want to make chit chat. So I try turning my body away from the person.

"Aww come on Catnip. You still angry at me?" I stiffen immediately when I hear that deep voice next to me. I just turn back around and glare at gale.

"Didn't you case enough trouble already?" I say through my clench teeth.

"Oh yes, I see that you and husband dear are getting a divorce" He says it like its a matter of a fact.

"We are not bu-" He cuts me off before I can complete my sentence.

"Come on Catnip, I know you getting a divorce. I saw with my own two eyes that your husband keeps going to the park with a hot blond with two children."He looks amused while he drop a bomb on me. He's amusement takes a fast turn when he see the shock and hurt on my face.

"What did y-y-you just s-s-say?" I try to keep the trembling out of my voice but I'm not very successful with it.

"Shit, I mean you don't know? Shit, Shit, Shit, Forget that I said anything, Okay?" You can see the regret on Gale's face.

"P-P-Please just tell me what you saw, Please?" I sound like a little fragile girl.

"I see Peeta every second day in the park with a blond woman with two children. They play for two to three hours in the park and then walk hand in hand like a little family to where ever they go." I feel like my heart is ripped out of my chest. I feel as if I can't breath. Gale keeps cursing under his breath. I hear Gale ask the bartender for more drinks.

I just take the drink without a word. It hurts so much. Now I know why he withdraw from me every time. Peeta is starting a new life without me. I can't cry in fort of all this people so I put on my brave face and keep just drinking all the drinks the bartender keeps rolling in. Gale keeps talking about anything really. I think he knows I don't want to talk so he keeps the conversation going.

After I had way to much to drink I ask Gale when Peeta is suppose to be at the park again and he confirms that if Peeta keeps to be normal routine that he will be in the park tomorrow at 1. I bid Gale goodnight and stumble back to my apartment.

I stand up with a very big hangover. My head is throbbing, I feel as if the train passed and the station hit me but the hangover is not the worse it's the pain in my heart and the knot on my stomach that is the worst.

First thing when I arrive on office is to make sure Effie cancel all my appointments because I'm not in the state to work with people today. So by the time I have to go to the park I'm moments away from having a mental break down.

When I arrive at the park I sit on the bench where Gale said I can sit without them knowing that I'm there. I wait for ten minutes but Peeta and the mystery family is still no show. I start to think that maybe Gale made a mistake and maybe it wasn't Peeta or maybe it's not there day to come to the park. I haven't finished the thought when I see Peeta walking hand in hand with a small blond girl down the lawn. Trailing is that CEO (Whats her name, Come on Katniss think, Think,) awwhaw Cressida that's her name and a small blond boy.

All the air in my lungs leaved me. My heart breaks in million pieces but I keep telling myself that this is what I deserve. Coming face to face with my replacement I finally understand fully what Haymitch said that I don't deserve Peeta and it hurts like hell because it's true. Peeta deserves a life with them.


	10. Chapter 10

This chapter is in peeta's Pov because there is stuff that can only be explained with his Pov. I hope you like this chapter it's very long because with the holidays i don't know when i can update again. It can be before the new year or after. There is smut in this chapter and i just want to say that it is my first ever experience writing smut. So please if I'm doing it wrong let me know what i can do to make it better for you. This is the rock bottom for everlark after this it's going to become better.

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><p>Peeta Pov<p>

This past 2 years is the most awful years I had to go through. First I thought that Katniss just wanted to divorce me because I wasn't the husband she wanted but what broke me was that I wasn't good enough for her in bed. I knew that we had very little intercourse but at the time I never thought anything of it. Maybe Katniss wasn't in the mood, maybe the she worked to hard but never did I sit down and think that maybe she was busy fucking somebody else. She said that she and Gale just had sex three times but really who can believe anything that comes out of her mouth?

I moved out of the apartment the night I told Prim the truth about what is going on. That was four months ago. I live in a little apartment near the work for three months now. I really don't need anything big. I spend as much time as possible to keep myself busy because if I'm going to sit in my little apartment I'm going to start thinking about Katniss and that is no good because there is nothing left for me there. I gave Katniss the divorce that she begged me for a year and a half. She made her point that she never wanted to marry me in the first place. It's very hard to accepted that the woman you loved your whole life doesn't want you anymore or like she said that she never really wanted to marry you in the first place.

It breaks everything inside of you. Everything you are feels like a lie, Feels like you are in some weird twisted game. I just wished I listened to her when she said that she didn't want children. I always thought that she didn't want children because of what her father did too them when she and Prim was still children but I should have thought that maybe I wasn't the husband she wanted children with and that is the reason why I gave her the divorce. I can't keep her away from the life she so desperately wants that will just make me a monster.

At first I was devastated from what Katniss have done. I can't say that it did not break my heart but it also made me angry. I was anger was not that much towards Katniss but what made me frustrated and agitated to a point that I would lose my mind was that in all of this my mother was right about everything. Maybe I made a success out of my business but I could never satisfy the only woman I love with my whole heart. According to my mother I was worthless and useless, and according to my wife's actions that's completely true.

I know it's not a excuses to why I went on a date with Cressida to the pub the time Prim was visiting us. Cressida flirted with me from the time we met at the board meeting and If I must say so myself it was nice to feel that somebody still liked me. I know that it was wrong of me to 'use' Cressida because I had insecurities and because I felt wanted for a change. I know it was wrong because I didn't get involved with Cressida for the right reasons. It started small, Went to the bar for some drinks, Then we went to dinner, after that we started to meet at her house for like dinner dates but with her children. I never forgot about Katniss. I compared Katniss with everything Cressida did or how she would behave. Cressida and the children kept me busy but in the back of my mind Katniss never left.

Sometimes it feels as if I'm cheating on Katniss but I know I'm not but I still can't get myself to not tense up every time Cressida touches me. The great person Cressida is she understands it's still very hard for me to let Katniss go. The most things that Cressida and I have done is just holding hands and a kiss here and there but nothing serious. Even if it is just holding hand or a kiss here and there I keep comparing it to Katniss. Sometimes it feel as if I'm holding somebodies hand that is not who I'm suppose to hold. If we kiss I think that her lips is not soft and warm or wet enough. The problem for me is that everything about Katniss felt so right. Her hand fitted in to my hand perfectly, Her lips fitted perfectly between mine. When Katniss and I kissed there was this spark or jolt of electricity that ran down my spine till my toe's will curl from it but with Cressida it's like kissing a old lady from the farmers market. Nothing about her feels right to me.

After everything that has happened I know deep down in my heart that I'm still just as in love with Katniss as the day I met her but what can I do if she doesn't want me? You can't force someone to love you. I know that Katniss struggles with changes. I understand why she keeps telling me she is sorry and that she never meant for this to happen. I know this life with me is not what she wants but I can't watch her staying by my side because she see how heart broken I am and she can't bare it. That is the sort of person Katniss is, She will penalise herself before she hurt somebody close to her. Just like the time when her father left and there was no food in their house. Prim brought back a ugly cat that she found on the streets with a broken leg. Katniss could not refuse the cat to stay because that cat made Prim happy at the time even when Katniss hated it.

That is the sort of person Katniss is, she will put herself in harms way to just see that the people close to her is happy. I know that is why Katniss is refusing to sign the divorce documents. She saw that her actions broke my heart and now she just trying to get everything back to normal. That is why I'm with Cressida is to show her that she can move on and life a happy life, I will just try to move on from her. I know what I'm doing to Cressida is not right but what else must I do to get over Katniss? I'm still not sure what Cressida sees in me but at least she still wants me.

Today exactly four months and 6 day I left our apartment but I still can't say that maybe it was for the best. Today I have 2 meetings before I have a lunch date with Cressida and the two children by the park. I've got this weird feeling the whole morning in my heart. After I had the two long meetings with Chinese companies that wants to become partnership with Cressida's Project, I head over to her office building to pick them up for the date in the park.

My new driver, Darius, exactly know where we are going just when I slip in to the back seat. We head over to Cressida's offices just as the car pulls up Cressida and the children is waiting outside for me.

"Hey you" Cressida give me a kiss on the cheek as she slides in next to me.

"Hey yourself" I greet her friendly

"Heyo buddy, Had a fun day at school? Uhmmm" I ruffle little Castor hair.

"It was awesome, Peeta you had to see there was the kid in the class that had stole a little girls crayons and Misses Paylor gave him a big hiding" Castor excitedly chatter on about his fun day at school. Some days when I'm with little Castor and Leevy I wonder if this is how it feels to have your own little family. As an outsider you would think that they are my children but I know that this is their family and I don't feel like I have a place in that family. I always dreamed that my children will have one dark curls and one blond curls, One with blue eyes or one with Silver eyes. In my heart and in my head my family is with Katniss.

"Peeeeeettttttttaaaaaa" I snap out of my thoughts when Castor slaps hard his little fist against my chest to get my attention.

"I'm sorry buddy, I just remembered something about work, What did you say?" Caster has a pout face on display before I apologize to him and give him a raspberry between his neck and chubby cheeks.

As little Caster goes on and on about what everything happened at school I try to avoid making eye contact with Cressida because I know the lie is written all over my face, I was never a very good liar because in my marriage we never lied to each other. Okay, actually I don't know how many times Katniss lied but I know I never needed to lie to her.

At the park I take Caster and Leevy's little hands to avoid having to hold Cressida's hand. Normally I would take it, not that I can say that I take it hundred percent willingly but if I want to move on there is things that I have to do that I'm not going to be happy about it. It's just that weird feeling in the pit of my stomach haven't disappeared, in fact I just keep getting worse. After Cressida lay the blanket down Caster and I take off playing a little with the soccer ball. My whole life I enjoyed playing with children, I heard what the people always said behind my back. I heard how they said that I will make a great father and any child that called me father would be very lucky but that is not how I thought about it. I would have been the lucky one, I would never let my children gone through what Katniss or I went through when we were children.

I deep down in my soul I knew that even if Katniss said she never wanted children that she would have made the greatest mother in this world. After Katniss father took off Katniss raised, cared and protected Prim just like a mother would with her own children. After we married and there was more money in our home Katniss made sure that Prim had the best of the best. Katniss said that Prim struggled enough for a life time and that she will make sure that Prim get's everything she deserved. Even when that meant that Katniss had to take money from our savings account so that Prim could go to summer camp or had the newest trend of clothing in her closet. Prim never expected anything but Katniss would drag her to the mall. Katniss was one of the most selfless people I could every meet on the earth, that is the reason I loved her most.

Two days past but that weird feeling was still very much in the pit of my stomach. Today I have a meeting with Katniss and new company about a charity project they asked if we can help with. The meeting is after lunch meaning that I spend my lunch with Cressida and the children. To say that I feel guilty is an understatement. These last couple of months Katniss tried to talk more to me, asked my opinion on everything, if I didn't know better I would have sworn that she tries to make me fall in love with her all over again. The outfits she wore gave me very uncomfortable boners on not so appropriate times. The more she tried the more I withdraw because if I'm totally honest with myself is because I felt guilty and I can't look at her knowing that I'm betraying her.

While I sat in the boardroom sweating bullets about having to face Katniss, I never looked at the time to see that she is running late. When Effie barged in the boardroom almost dropping all the paper work under her arm and apologizing profusely about being late is the first time I acknowledge that they are running late. Before I can ask Effie where Katniss is she informed us that Katniss isn't going to make the meeting. That is the first time I feel my lungs take the normal dose of air in the last hour, even if I feel relief flood over me because I don't have to face Katniss today but there is this dread in the pit of my stomach and I don't know why.

Three weeks passed after the first meeting Katniss did not attend. Within the three weeks we had seven meetings in total, in total of seven meeting Katniss did not attend a single one of them. After the fifth meeting I knew Katniss was avoiding me because every single time I ask Effie where she is I get a different excuse. On the sixth meeting a new guy came with Effie. Before he could introduce himself I knew that I'm not going to like this guy. The best description for the guy is he looks exactly like a frat boy. He is tall, blond hair with blue eyes, you can see his muscles by the way his dress shirt cling to him. His looks is not the thing why I don't like the guy but his whole body language screams his every girls wet dream and he knows it.

It was the most painful meeting I had to sit through in all my years of having this company. We learned that the new guy name is Cato and that he will take over from Katniss due to Katniss having big projects that needs to be finished before the end of the year. I must say that is news to me, I wonder what type of projects that keeps her so busy that she needs to send this clown in her place. By the time the meeting was over I was ecstatic because if Cato made one more cheesy line to the women I would have lost my breakfast on the boardroom table. I asked Effie if she can schedule a meeting with Katniss for me because I need to speak to her about some important stuff. It's not that important really I just want to know why Katniss is avoiding me and why did she need to hire this clown.

The expression on Effie's face when I asked her when I asked for the appointment with Katniss told me that what ever she is going to say to me at that moment is not going to be the truth. She made a excuse about the book that she writes all Katniss appointments is at the offices where she forgot it. I just said that its fine that she must give me a call when there is a place in Katniss busy schedule. That was four days ago and still heard nothing about a appointment with Katniss. Now I have fully proof that something is wrong but I just don't know what's exactly wrong.

I decided that if Katniss doesn't want to talk to me I would corner her at the bachelor and Bachelorette party of Finnick and Annie. Finnick and Annie is the only people in our friends group that has an idea that something is going on between Katniss and I. Finnick and Annie decided to have their bachelor and Bachelorette party together at the same place. Which means that we have to pretend to not hate each other with all our friends that doesn't even know Katniss and I are busy divorcing. It's not just our friends that we don't want to give any idea that there is something wrong between us but it's all the large CEO's of the companies in New York that we are trying to hide what's happening. Many of the CEO's wife's like to gossip which means that even if they get a sniff in the nose that there is something wrong between me and Katniss it's an guarantee that it will be tomorrow on the front page of every newspaper in New York.

What is an bachelor and Bachelorette party without a theme? All the men have to dress in Police, Swat or Navy outfit and all the women goes as whores. Just leave it to Finnick to think out this theme. The reason for this theme is because if your lady(whore) acts like a whore you can arrest her. I decided to wear a normal traditional black Police uniform with my badge and bb gun. Dressed with the whole Police uniform I must admitted that I look like a real bad ass cop. I don't really know what to do with my hair so I style it to the back with the knowledge that after a hour my hair will be matted against my head.

I'm one of the first people to arrive at the private club Finnick hired for the night. Just as I arrived I spot Finnick and Annie greeting all the people arriving for the party.

I know Annie is a beautiful woman but I must say that in the whole whore outfit she looks hot. I should have guest that Finnick would choose the Swat uniform with out a shirt. He looks exactly like Channing Tatum in Magic Mike, now I can understand why he wanted this theme. I quickly greet them before heading to the bar for a drink. My nerves is getting the best of me, I would be lying if I said that I wasn't curious about how Katniss is going to look like.

I chuck down my drink to order myself another drink, at the bar I spy familiar faces and stop and chat with them while I wait for my drink to be fixed. After receiving my drink and make my way out of the crowd by the bar something catches my eyes. All at ones feels like somebody hit me in the stomach. All my air rush out of my lunges all at once. Shit. I must look like a fool because I'm standing with my mouth wide open and staring at Katniss.

Holy shit. When my parts starting to feel uncomfortable I know that I have been staring to long. It's just that I can't take my eyes off Katniss. She is wearing in one piece dress that can count as a second skin for her. It clings to her curves in all the right places. Her skin tone compliments the dress just right, the dress shows enough cleavage for any guy to spill his saliva down his chin. The dress stops mid thigh, it barely covers her phenomenal ass. In that dress her legs looks to die for, it keeps reminding me how it felt when she would wrap her legs around my head when I'm lapping at her arousal. Shit. One of these days she's going to be the death of me.

When I finally snap out of my trance, I'm surprised to see that she is already staring back at me when I raise my glaze back to her face. I can't read the expression on her but it looks like she is arguing with herself about something. Without breaking eye contact she start slowly making her way to me. Shit It feels as if I'm in high school all over again. I'm just barely holding on to not come in my pants right here right now. By the time she reaches me I'm breathless and my glaze towards her must tell her just how aroused I am.

"Hey" She say softly with a little devilish grin on her face.

"Hey" my voice is laced with desire, with the huskyness in my voice she now knows how aroused I am at this point. She slides her arm around my waist almost like a side hug and stands just like that, I'm having so much trouble just deciding where to put my hand because my hand just wants to slide down the small of her back and squeeze her behind.

"Thanks for the compliment but I think maybe you want to readjust your compliment so the whole place doesn't know that you like my ass in this dress" Before I knew what is going on she lean into and speaking in a very breathless husky tone in her voice.

"Shit o-o-okay" I try very subtle to adjust myself without the whole party knowing I have a huge hard on. She must be amused by my current state because I hear her softly chuckle next to me.

"Your not the only one, you know? I think if I didn't have this thong on my desire would have run down my thighs." She comments just as a old couple approached us.

"Fuuuucccccckkkkkkk Katniss" I hiss low and husky at her. She can't just say stuff like that and expect me not to do something back to her. I know how a turn on it is when I squeeze her ass a certain way. So before I could help my self I squeezed her ass just like she likes it. In the corner of my eye I can see that she shifts from one foot to the other probably squeezing her thighs together for a little friction on her clit.

"Awww here is the famous couple" Beetee and Wiress greet us before we could say anything else.

"You know that's not fully true" I try to make a joke but I'm so aroused at this stage that I know I can't string a full sentenced together.

"I need a drink for me and Wiress, you want to come with me to the bar?" Beetee doesn't even know that he saved me from further embarrassing myself.

"yeah I will" I turn to Katniss "You want something?" She just nods. Let me guess she can't form words ether.

The wait at the bar for the drinks and the chit chat with Beetee gave me time to calm my painful erection. We start to make our way back to the women through the crowd. Katniss comes into my view as we steer clear of the crowd. Immediately I can feel that my half erect length starts to thicken again. This woman is going to be the death of me one of these days.

"Hey" I give her drink to her before I slide behind her. I place my hand around her waist and place my hand flat against her stomach while I hug her closer to me. At this moment Katniss back is flush against my front. We make simple conversation with Beetee and Wiress. Sometimes we get lost in the music and begin to sway with the music. I know Katniss fully knows how hard I am because every now and again she will start grinding her ass against me.

The night is passing with a blur. The only time Katniss and I separate is when we have to go to the bar or the bathroom. There is games played with the guests, everybody's names is in a bowl and every time somebody get's draw that couple has to entertain the rest of the guests. They must do something sexy. We had couple that make out and at first I thought that is playing safe but I must say that it was the sexiest make out session I every saw people do. One guy strip till his under wear. One couple did a erotic dance and with that Katniss just grinding more into me. By the time it was time for the last game I can say that I was nowhere near sober. I was buzzed from all the alcohol, I don't know how Katniss felt but by the looks of things she was just as buzzed as I was.

"The last couple of the evening is... Thaaahhhaahhaa Peeta Mellark!" Finnick's voice scream over the microphone. It didn't register with me that he is talking about me until Katniss bumped me with her elbow in the ribs.

"Huh" I just know I looked like an idiot but I'm so stumped that I lost all motor control over my body.

"Come on buddy! Remember this is the finale so you have to give us and that lovely wife of yours a very nice show" He's voice booms from the speakers. You can hear the happiness in his voice. Katniss is so nervous she starts to giggle and I don't know where to hide my face. Reluctantly I made my way to the stage where Finnick stands.

At the front there is a single chair and I immediately know what I'm required to do. I'm going to have to give Katniss a lap dance. I rack my brain in our 10 years marriage to find out if I ever did something as erotic for Katniss as this but my results comes back blank. This will be the very first time I will do something for her like this. Suddenly I'm very glad for all the alcohol in my system because without it I don't know if I would have done it in front of all these people. The rules is declared before we start the finale. Katniss may use her hands if I tell her to use them. I can remove my clothes if I choose to do so. The last rule is that at all times there must be any part of my body touching Katniss.

The problem is not the rules or Katniss, but the real problem is that I don't know how I'm going to do this and not get a raging hard on or worse try not to explode in my pants.

"Let the 74th hunger games begin" Finnick's Voice booms from the speakers. Katniss is sitting on the chair like a good girl while we wait for the music to begin. As the music begins to play I must give it to Finnick to play at least my favourite song. As the Pumped up kick's Dubstep begin boom from the speakers I try walking to Katniss in a very sexy manner. I try to not over think my actions and think what I would like to do with her alone in a room.

I stop in front of her before turn around and slowly moving down as if I want to sit on her lap but just before I go sit completely on her I stop and swing my hips in a circle above her lap. I brace my hand on my knees and with the one nice beat that floats through the speakers I bow my back just like when she does it when I hit a certain spot inside of her. While I bow my back I take Katniss hands inside of my own and let them reach in front of me. I place her hands on my chest just like she sometimes take my hands to put them on her breasts while I enter her repeatedly from behind. I keep rotating my hips so that my butt can glaze the top of her thighs. I can feel every now and again she trust her hips up with the hopes that something can connect with her clit.

I decided that I had enough of teasing and that I'm going to give her something that will make her beg for contact against her point of heat. I remove her hands from my chest and slowly stand up from her lap. I tell her to sit on her hand while I turn around and tell her to keep eye contact with me. I keep my feet together and bend my knees on each side of her legs till I'm almost on the floor and start to rotate my hips in a erotic way while coming back up very very slowly. When I'm half way standing up I step on each side of the chair, I grip the back of the chair for some leverage. I drop my ass to her thighs and trusting my hips forward very carefully so I don't bring her dress up her thighs with my movement. I keep rotating my hips above her tights and trusting it towards her, giving the impression that I'm trusting into her.

Not once did we break eye contact. I move forward so my length could glaze her, I keep grinding my length into her lower stomach. I know she can feel me because I can feel how she is struggling to keep herself under control. Her breathing is coming out in small puffs. She keeps trusting her breasts in to my chest. If it wasn't for the loud music I know she is making those small whimper sounds she makes when she is very very turned on and near her orgasm. I move my body that I can grind my length towards her breasts and then back down towards her center. I lean forward to come very close to her mouth but never touching her mouth with mine but blowing my puffs of air into her mouth while never breaking eye contact. I'm so lost in the moment that I switch between forward trusts and and rotating my hips a few times more towards her center that's when I decide I lean forward an claim her bottom lip with my teeth to scrap my teeth against her bottom lip. She release a moan into my mouth and her eyes start to flutter just like when she is about to come. I release her lip and tuck her head with one of my hands against my chest away from preying eyes.

I feel how she sink her teeth into me to stop the noises that is coming out of her mouth. I can feel that she is trusting her hips back and forth for some fiction against her clit but not in a way that people will see what she is doing. After the second time I glaze her with my length against her stomach her whole body starts to shutter as her orgasm hits her. I keep holding her against me to shield her away from all the people. I can't believe I made her come without any direct contact with her center.

"OKAY! WASN'T THAT THE HOTTEST THING YOU GUYS EVER SAW?" Flinnick screams over the microphone to the crowd. I can hear how the crowd roar but my only concern is about Katniss. We never experience anything like this before and we're not even going to start talking about it happening in front of a crowd.

Katniss raise her head from against my chest to look at me but I'm so stunted about what happened I must look like an fool.

"Th-Th-That was so fucking HOT" that is all that my brain can proses. I'm so hard at this moment I think if something just glaze my length I will explode inside my pants.

I keep staring in awe at Katniss face while she searches my face for something. Emotions flash on her face but I can name them. Is it Realisation? Guilt?

"I-I-I need to g-g-go" She stutters out. I stand up from her lap so she can stand up. She is on the verge of tears and I don't know what I did wrong.

"Katniss please?" I don't know for what I'm asking but I ask anyway.

"Peeta I n-n-need to go, Please" She grabs her purse and storms past me through the crowd until I can't see her anymore.

I left the party ten minutes later still in a trance about what just I arrived home I climbed into the shower immediately to take care of my situation. I really tried to not think about what happened with Katniss but the only thing that was in my mind on that moment was Katniss. I was so sated from what happened tonight that when my head hit the pillow I was dead to the world.

The guilt came the next morning when I had to face Cressida again, she asked what happened at the party but the only answer I could think about was I can't remember because I was to drunk. It was a lie because I could remember every little detail about what happen with Katniss. How can I explain to a person something if I don't even know what happened. I can't move past the fact that I could still make her come, I thought I couldn't satisfy her that is why she slept with Gale. I'm so confused about everything because I thought I had everything figured out just to realize that how wrong I am.

I cancel my lunch meeting with Cressida to head over to Katniss office to find out whats going on. I just have to talk with Katniss, every thought I had this morning was about Katniss. I thought it's better to just not call Effie to let her know I'm coming else Katniss is going to make an excuse why she can't see me. I will just barge in her office like a maniac and demand to talk to her not that I have an idea what I'm going to say to her but I have to see her. I think lunch time will be the best because usually she would not have anyone by her. She locked herself inside her office usually lunch time mentioning that it's the only time of the day she can enjoy her peace and quiet.

I arrive at her office just a few minutes past one. I'm so thankful that Effie went out on lunch so it means that there isn't going to be to much obstacles to cross to get to Katniss. The security let me inside because I'm still half owner of the company and nobody knows whats going on between me and Katniss. When I arrive on the floor her office is on I see that the reception is clear and no one around to question my presence. I make my way as quick as possible over to her door and realize that her door is not fully closed. Just before I open the door to go inside I hear that she is talking with somebody and I stop dead in my tracks. I contemplate with myself about how I will approach this situation. Do I knock? Do I just barge in and pretend that I didn't know somebody was in her office? I'm still contemplating with my self about how I'm going to enter her office when I start to hear about what the conversation is about.

"Come on Katniss. It's just a few drinks?" You can hear the desperation in Cato's voice as he tries to convince Katniss to go out with him.

"I don't know Cato" She muttered back at him. From years experience I can tell that Katniss is very reluctant to go.

"I tell you what. I just want to take you out for a few drinks, at anytime when you want to go home I will take you home immediately. Please gorgeous say yes?" I see red after that I can't believe he is flirting with my fucking wife.

"Fine" I hear Katniss mutter back to him. At that moment I barge through the door at that moment I didn't care if I didn't knock or that I was being rude. Katniss head snapped to see me standing at the door with a big death glare directed towards Cato.

"Pick you up at 6 gorgeous" All my emotions must be written all over my face because Cato seamed pleased with himself that Katniss agreed to go out on a date with him. Cato walk past me with a little skip in his step and greet me to friendly, like he knows that he getting under my skin and closing the door when he exits the office.

"What the fuck was that?" I redirect my glare to Katniss. At first Katniss had this guilty look on her face until the words left my mouth

"What do you mean what the fuck was that?" Great now Katniss is being defensive.

"That with fucking Cato? Really of all people you choose Cato?" I gritted though my teeth.

"Excuse me? Who are you to judge? What are you even doing in my fucking office not to mention that you can't knock. You have to barge in here like you still owe me!" She hissed very low at me. I know with the tone in her voice that she is livid but her last statement went straight to my gut.

"I'm still your husb-" She cuts me off before I could finish my statement.

"What your still my husband? Sorry but that title you left behind the day you walked out of our home to shack up with your new little family" She tries to keep her voice from not shaking but she is on the verge of tears from all the anger.

"I didn't shack up-" I try to explain but she cuts me off with a huff

"What do you want Peeta? Why are you here?" She say with a much more calm voice.

"I-I-I came by because I wanted to talk to you about yesterday night, I-" I try to explain to her before she cuts me off again.

"Come on Peeta. Yesterday was a mistake, we both know it" I try to interrupt her but she is not having any of it "Peeta it was a mistake. I made a mistake and I'm sorry. I will sort out my hormones that the next time we see each other we won't have the same problem as yesterday" The words coming out of her mouth is forced but she is determined.

"And how are you going to do that? Fuck mr Muscle? Come on Katniss wake up we are never going to get of this train! What we have is spe-" I say it a lot louder than I'm suppose to but how else is she going to listen to me?

"Please don't say special. You said it your self we are just accustomed with each other and that is all it is. You moved on with your new little family why can't you just leave me to move on on my own way? I get it Peeta, I fucked up, I fucked up our marriage and I'm sorry but for how long are you going to keep punishing me for it? Don't you think I punish myself enough?" She sounds so heartbroken that I don't know if anything I say is going to ever make it better.

"I'm not punishing you Katniss. I'm just -" I must have said something wrong because all the anger returns before I could really finish my sentence.

" YOU JUST WHAT? You think it's not punishing me that you keep pushing me away. I said I'm fucking sorry. I asked what I can do to make it better, I asked you a few times. No let me rephrase that I begged you to tell me what I can do to save our marriage. I begged Peeta! What did you do? You punished me to withdraw more and more each day. If that wasn't enough you humiliated me in front of my sister. I would have never done that to you Peeta. Never. I understand you were hurt and angry but does it satisfy you to know that my sister hates me now. She blocked all my calls and everything. If that wasn't enough you walked out of our home. You gave up our marriage without even trying Peeta. You gave up. Even after that I kept trying to talk to you but you pushed me away every day. I took three to four months of that punishment till someone told me the truth about your lunch dates in the park with Her and the children. At first I thought they made a mistake but I saw you with her and the children at the park." The tears are streaming down her face. I can't stand to see how broken she is.

"Is that when you started to avoid the meetings?" I try to ask her in a soft voice but it comes out more like I'm angry which is not true, it more like I'm stunned because now I know why she avoid me.

"Yes Peeta. What did you expected of me? I must sit in that boardroom acting all happy and friendly because I found out my husband gave up on our marriage and just got himself a woman with children because this fucked up wife of his would not give him children? From that time till now I started to knowledge that there isn't a marriage left to save anymore. So yes I gave up on our marriage just like you did." Her voice keeps cracking at statements that cut's me so deep that it feels as if I could die any moment now.

"I gave up on our marriage? I gave up? Fuck you. You where the one that ran off when we had a argument and you were the one fucking somebody for a year and a half behind my back. You say that I gave up our marriage? Fuck you!" The words she speaks keep hurting me and I struggle to stay calm and not get angry but the words slip out of my mouth before I could help myself.

"Yes I fucked somebody three times. Yes and I said I am sorry! How many times do I have to keep repeating myself? You left me. YOU LEFT ME. When I made a mistake at least I came back. So yes you gave up on our marriage NOT ME! Let me tell you what why don't you high tale out of my office just like you high tailed out of our marriage when things become tough. You have your happy family now, what are you still doing here? WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE PEETA! Fuck out of my office to your happy fucking family and by the way I never barge into your office demanding you to explain to me what you have done to move on from our marriage. I will appreciate it when or where and whom I fuck to move on from this marriage is my business and you don't have any say in it okay?" I never saw her this angry in my whole life but I'm so angry I can explode because everything she said is true and I can't say anything back to her.

"Okay?" She repeats her question. I barely give her a curt nod before she raise her finger pointing to the door.

"Now that it's settled can you please remove yourself from my office?" She doesn't even wait for me to fully exit her office before she drops down in her chair with her head between her hands.

After I left her office I directly go to a bar. I'm so angry I could kill somebody. I don't know who to be more angry at the moment, myself or at Katniss. Everything she said was the truth and it hurts so much.

By the time Cressida's call came I'm buzzed from all the alcohol. I arrive at her house by the time the children is already asleep. Just as I walk in the apartment I give Cressida a very friendly kiss that turns into a make out session in the hall. I'm so angry at Katniss that I need to do something to forget about her. I push Cressida against the wall in the hallway so I could claim her mouth again.

"Let's take this to the bedroom mister" Cressida mutter against my mouth after she pulls away.

When we arrived in the bedroom we made a bee line for the bed. Our clothes start to pile on the floor on the side of the bed. The harder I try to focus on Cressida the more Katniss will flash in my mind. Cressida is down to just her bra and panties and I'm still have my pants on when I come to a stop. It takes Cressida a few moments to discover that I stopped.

"What's wrong Peeta?" She keeps getting me to hold her glaze but I can't.

"I can't do this" I reply in a very small voice. I feel like an idiot because she deserves so much better than what I'm doing to her.

"It's her isn't it?" She's not angry but just asking out of concern. She removes herself from straddling me to sit next to me.

"Yes. I'm so sorry. You deserve so much better than what I give you. I'm still so in love with her I can't help myself. She's the only one I really want. From the beginning she was my one and only." Telling the truth is like removing a hundred pond stone off my chest.

After that night Cressida and I still talk like friends. I still sometimes go with them to the park but we are trying to cut back from the visits. I just don't want to completely stop seeing the children because I'm scared they think they did something wrong that is why I don't visit anymore. They are too small to understand that I can't be with their mother because I'm still in love with Katniss.

This whole week I can't stop thinking about Katniss. I keep wondering if she slept with Cato. I wonder if he at least treated her like a lady. The meetings I would have had with Cato is postponed to next month. I decided to not make contact with Katniss to give her time to cool off. I busy myself with work to try and keep my mind busy so I don't think the whole day about Katniss.

Haymitch called me this morning just asking me to drop by his offices by lunch time. At least it's friday so I don't have to many things to do. I'm busy catching up on my paper work when Clove reminds me that I have to leave now if I want to be on time for the appointment with Haymitch. I'm running a bit late by the time arrive at Haymitch but he won't mind. I just gave him a few extra minutes to drink from his secret flask he hides in he's desk drawer.

"Hey old man" I greet him just as I enter his office

"Hey to you too boy. You scared me at first, I thought it was miss grumpy outside." He laughs at his own joke.

"So you needed to see me? What papers do you need my famous signature for mmm? By the way how far is the investment we made in London?" Every time I forget to ask him how far the deal is for the investment with Glimmer.

"Before we go to business do you want anything to drink?" He ask me tipping his flask to me.

"I would like some coffee please, I can't remember when last did I have coffee" I answer him

"I think you need something stronger boy" why would he think that I need something stronger than coffee? But I take the flask and take a pull from it. The liquor burns down my throat but it's not unpleasant.

"Okay, Whats going on? Why did I need to take a drink in the middle of the day?" I ask him concerned

"Here is an envelope for you but as instructed you need to read the letter first before you get the envelope." He push the letter in a smaller envelope towards me.

I take the envelope, the letter addressed for me and it's hand written too. The hand writing is from Katniss at that moment I knew that what ever was in this letter or the other envelope I'm not going to like it. My hands begin to instantly shake and I can't stop the lump that forms inside my throat.

_Dear Peeta_

_I'm sorry I had to do this the way I did. I just could not face another argument. You know I'm not good with words so I decided to write you a letter and to try to explain what happened. I don't know if you are going to ever believe me when I tell you that I loved you like I loved nobody else. Maybe I didn't show you it but I really do. _

_After what my father did that day I promised myself that I would never place myself in the position my mother was in. She loved my father so much that the day he left she left with him. Her body was still with us but everything that made my mother her left the day he left. I promised myself that I would never love somebody that much because when that person leave I would not become my mother._

_Even after you promised me you would not leave me, my mind kept repeating to me that everybody will leave eventually. After my father left I never really opened myself up for people. That is why every time you would say something nice about me I would not believe you because I felt that if I believed everything you say I open myself up for the potential getting hurt._

_I said to you that I never wanted to marry you in the first place. It was only partly true, Only true because I never wanted to marry anyone but the part you don't know is that I never wanted it with anybody else but you. If I wanted to marry there is just you I wanted to marry in my whole life._

_I want you to know that you were always good enough for me. I did not sleep with Gale because you didn't satisfy my. I Slept with Gale because I was angry and hurt. I wanted to make you hurt the same way I hurt. You never meant to hurt me I know that but every time you started talking about children I felt as if I'm not good enough for you because now you don't want me anymore and that you need children to be happy. I'm sorry that I could not give you the children that you deserve to have. _

_I signed the divorce papers because you need to move on with your life. You deserve that beautiful family Peeta. I don't want to keep you away from your happiness anymore._

_I will probably die one day still loving you with everything I have. There is some things I wish I have shown you before and there is things I will regret for the rest of my life for what I have done to you. One thing I do know is the day I saw you with her and the children, you smile a certain way that you never smiled anymore. They made you happy in a way I could never make you happy. _

_I will always love you Peeta_

_Katniss_

The tears is streaming down my face because she really gave up. She thinks that children could make me happy but she is so wrong about everything. Yes maybe I pressed her about children but even if I could just be with her my whole life I would have been the happiest man on this world. I don't want just any children. I wanted children with her and with nobody else.

"Is that the ..?" I point to the envelope.

"Yes. Boy can I ask you what are you still doing here?" Haymitch raise his eyebrows to me.

"How do you mean what am I still doing here?" At this point I'm confused because he asked me to come here.

"I mean what are you still doing here? If you love somebody that much why are you not fighting for her? I'm not saying that she doesn't have her problems but why punish yourself if you and I know that she is the one and only one for you?" Haymitch states it so obvious.

I sprint out of his office with the divorce papers and the letter. I have to find her. I have to explain to her that I can't give up on our marriage. Yes we both made mistakes but we can make it right again. On my way down I call Effie. I have to beg her to tell me where Katniss is. She never told me where Katniss is but she gave me a hint. She told me Katniss is nowhere near the city so that means that Katniss is at the lake house.

The drive over to the Lake house passed in a blur because I just kept thinking about everything I want to tell Katniss. I think I may have broken a few traffic laws along the way.

When I arrive at the lake house is see that Katniss car is parked in the drive way I'm so relieved to know that she is here. I quickly make my way out of the car towards the house, the front door is locked so I make my way around the house towards the back. As I round the house I see that there is no movement inside the house. I walk to the way I know I will find Katniss. She like to sit on the dock with her feet in the water this time of the day.

Just like I thought she sits on the end of the dock watching out over the water. I must have been really quiet or she must have been deep in thought for her not to hear me coming. I stop dead in my tracks as I get a view of the sun setting over the water.

"WOW" I'm in complete awe at the beautiful view in front of me. I can see in the corner of my eye that Katniss whipped her head in my direction. I make my way to where Katniss is sitting and plopped down next to her on the edge of the dock.

"Hey" I greet her very softly.

"Hey" She greets back but keeps her face downcasted. I reach out my hand towards her face, just as my hand glaze her cheek, she sink into my touch. I move my hand to her chin to lift her face to meet my glaze. When she meets my glaze I can see that her eyes is swollen from all the crying and there is new tears forming in her eyes.

At that moment I acted on instinct, I slide my arm around her shoulder to pull her into me. My arms is barely around her before her whole body racks with a big sob.


	11. Chapter 11

Sorry for the wait for this chapter. I was away for the holiday. I hope you guys enjoyed your Christmas and New Years. This Chapter is short but I just needed to get myself started again.

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><p><em>At that moment I acted on instinct, I slide my arm around her shoulder to pull her into me. My arms is barely around her before her whole body racks with a big sob.<em>

I don't know how long we sit out on the deck until the position we found ourselves in is very uncomfortable. I shifted so Katniss can sit between my legs while I cradle her against my chest. At first we both cried so hard to let out all our emotions for the past three years. I don't know for how long I cried but when the tears stop rolling down my cheeks it felt as if a mountain was lifted off my shoulders. Katniss was still crying softly, every now and again there slipped a hiccup past her lips. Yes Katniss broke apart of me that I never thought she will but I can't deny that I love this woman with everything in my body.

I know that the path we are on is very difficult but Katniss still is my everything I will do what it takes to have my wife back. Yes maybe it not with children but if I just have Katniss for the rest of my life it will be enough for me. It almost cost me my wife but I realize now my mistake. I realize that without Katniss, I will never be happy. Children will never make me as happy as the happiness I experience when I'm with Katniss. The only children that will contributes to my happiness is when Katniss decides to have children with me and I'm planning to let her know that this weekend.

I sooth her with little whispers that everything is going to be okay. That she is safe here in my arms. I plant little butterfly kisses to her hair, to her temple and to her forehead. I keep stoking her back with my hand. By the time she calms down I offer my free hand to her to take if she feels like it. Without hesitation she takes my hand and intertwine our fingers. Her small hand fits perfect in my big hand. I give her hand a little squeeze before I turn my attention back to the water. The sun set awhile ago, the skies color is blue and grey and a portion still with a light color of purple. It won't be long until it will be dark but i can't get it in me to disturb the peace and quiet we have on this deck.

I startle out of my thoughts when I feel a single finger trail down my jaw. When I shift my glaze down my eyes glaze lock with the most beautiful grey eyes I wish I get to see the rest of my life. Her eyes is red and swollen from all the crying but she's just as beautiful as ever. I take a minute to just look at her. I mean like really look at her. It's only now that I realize how much I have taking her for granted this past years. I saw her every day but I never really see her for who she is. My girl on fire.

"Are you real?" She ask barely a whisper. If I wasn't looking at her I would not know she spoke to me.

"Yeah I'm real" I whisper back to her. I free the hand that is holding her hand to softly stroke her cheek. Her eyes close the moment my knuckles makes contact with her soft skin. After a moment of silence pass us her eyes snaps open.

"What about your new family? She won't be to happy your here." If I didn't know Katniss so well you would think that she is angry or sarcastic the way she said it but I know how her facial expression looks like when she is sad and hurt. She start to make a move to get away from me but I won't have any of it, so I pull her tighter to my chest. When I catch her glaze I can see that there is new tears in her eyes and it breaks my heart to see her like this.

"You are my family Katniss. ugh.. Let me finish Katniss. Listen to me. You are the only family that I want. I was hurt but that is not an excuse to become an asshole. This last few years I was a asshole because I thought that children will make me happy and I was wrong. I was so wrong Katniss. I neglected to acknowledge that with only you I am happy. I AM HAPPY. Never in this world will there be enough children to make me as happy as I am when I am with you. The only children that will ever contribute to my happiness is if you decide to have children with me. aaaa listen, just please let me finish. Even if you are never ready to have children that is still okay. I won't stop loving you because your not ready for children. If it's just me and you that's also fine. I just want you in my life, I can't no wait I refuse to life without you. I am glad we don't have children right now because my life is such a mess at the moment. My priorities isn't where it supposed to be. I was so busy with my business that I never really worked with my marriage with my wife. Yes what you did hurt me very much but Katniss I'm not the innocent victim here. We both had made mistakes Katniss. If i just looked past my broken ego I would have seen that you are struggling. We both made mistakes baby but today I'm here because I know it's going to take lots of work but I'm prepared to make this work because I love you. I LOVE YOU. Nothing else matters to me if I can't have you." The lump in my throat get so hard to swallow at the end of my declaration that I have to choke out the last sentence. It looks like a dam wall broke with all the tears are streaming down my cheeks.

It's Katniss turn to move to stand on her knee's between my legs to crush my head to her chest. I don't know who's crying more me or her but I keep telling her between my sobs how much I love her.

You can hear there is a lump in Katniss throat when she starts to speak up because her voice faltered and she had to stop a moment to control it.

"Peeta.. I need you to sign those papers please." At that moment I start to sob like a baby and I can't seem to slow down.

"Peeta baby, Listen to me, I need you to sign those papers because I want to divorce you so I can marry you for all the right reasons. I want to marry you because I can't see my life without you either. I want to start fresh. I don't want us to go on with a marriage that I got into because I thought that is what everybody expected from me. I want to marry you because you are my one and only too Peeta. I want nobody but you" She gives me a long linger kiss on my forehead. I can feel her tears fall against my face while her bottom lip quivers against my forehead. I take a moment to let everything she just said sink in.

"I want to marry me, Real or not Real?" I break the moment of silence between us.

She pulls away just enough for my glaze to lock with her's to stare deep in my eyes and tell me "Real Peeta"


End file.
